TRULY: A Persuasion Teen Fan Fiction
by Summer Day99
Summary: Jane is wealthy, Ben is not. When Jane and Ben are parted after a high school romance they meet up again in the small seaside town of Wentworth. Their circumstances have altered but Jane's snobbish family ensure the path towards true love is never easy.


Copyright, Legal Notice and Disclaimer: 

Truly

Copyright © 2012 Summer Day

All rights reserved worldwide.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are either the products of the author's imagination or used in a fictitious manner. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

No part of this publication may be reproduced, transmitted, downloaded, distributed, stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, without the express permission of the author, except by a reviewer who may quote brief passages for review purposes.

Any trademarks, service marks, product names or named features are assumed to be the property of their respective owners, and are used only for reference. There is no implied endorsement if we use one of these terms.

**Chapter One**

**An Introduction to My Existence **

_I'd been hiding out, planning to summer in the small seaside town of Wentworth; an hour's drive north of Los Angeles, when I saw him again…_ **Confessions of a** **Post-Teenage Hermit (A Blog by Jane Elliot)**

Ben returned.

I love a man in uniform. His blonde hair shone in the afternoon sun as I glanced through the interior windows of my classroom. A trick of light in the hallway created the illusion of stardust and smoke swirling around him as he walked.

I'd been working as a teaching assistant at the local public school for nearly six months after dropping out of college during my freshman year. The day I saw Ben again was the last day of work before summer vacation. It's possible his return inspired me to re-enrol in college. Maybe something found always comes from something lost.

I noticed him first, talking to the preschool teacher and signing a release form on behalf of the small child who looked expectantly towards him. The young boy had his satchel on his back as they walked by. Ben didn't appear to see me and for that I was grateful. It occurred to me as the child grasped his hand and I watched the love of my life leave that there are no good places to hide in Wentworth Elementary, especially if you're an adult; well, semi-adult. I'm in my twenties now and I should be completely mature and in control of my life, but I feel kind of stuck somewhere around sixteen. Suddenly I'm in a panic that he could turn to the side at any moment and notice me staring at him.

Now, where to go? Standing behind the door of a classroom is a bad idea. Hovering near the entrance of the communal staff room is a possibility, but that connection leads towards the staff lunchroom which requires a lock combination that is changed daily. In my state of inner turmoil, I couldn't remember it.

I crouched behind my desk, head immersed in the decorations, listening to the roar of a police siren. Sometimes the cops (the "good guys" as I call them) descend upon our little school in Wentworth. I'm used to it. This is the bad side of a good town. The people who summer here are rich and boring but the locals are generally the opposite. There is a high-school that connects to Wentworth Elementary and Preschool and there's a lot of, to put it nicely, trouble there. I like to think (if I do my job properly), when my students are old enough, there will be less need for the law to patrol school gates and halls.

Our six year olds drew a hush as the police car whizzed by. The teacher, Mrs Alves, asked the class to wash up for lunch. I was helping them. Suddenly there was disorder in the hallways, which resembled tunnels. My students who were "special" had a separate exit. It was easier that way. I was used to the bustle, but they couldn't avoid the crowded lunch rooms.

The lock on the staffroom door, I never got used to. I hadn't thought to write down the combination that morning, so I just stood there, numb, pretending to listen to the police car, watching Ben leave. I thought about the difference between hiding and saying "hi" as I watched him glance towards my classroom. He read the sign on the door that advertised "Vacation Care" and barely noticed me. For two weeks over summer the school hosted a day camp where families and children who were staying in Wentworth could come in for organised fun and activities. I'd offered to help out since I would be staying in Los Angeles too. That's why I was making decorations as the children got ready for lunch.

Dismissively, Ben walked down the hallway. At least I'd have something interesting to put on my blog that night.

"Are you alright Jane?" The teacher from the class opposite mine asked as she peeped her head in through the doorway.

"I'm okay," I smiled. Jessie Tate, who teaches first grade, smiled in return. I was used to acting around my family, and keeping up the facade at work was just an extension of that. At least my work colleagues mostly show me honest appreciation.

I assist the Special Needs, reading and music classes in the mornings and help out in accelerated English (gifted and talented) in the afternoon, so it's like the two extremes. I have a real soft spot for the challenges of my slower readers and my out of tune musicians. I have a mix of ages and children in one room from both classes. Sometimes the students are well-behaved, but it's always noisy; especially when my hearing impaired children arrive. This morning's class was general and mixed: Toby has Attention Deficit Disorder; Miles is Dyslexic; George has Broad Spectrum Autism and Lia is teaching me to sign. They're all preparing to join the midday rush.

Toby is the one who speaks; he has bright eyes and even brighter, red hair; he's very smart and seriously wired; he's jumping up and down and I try to calm him as the bell sounds for lunch.

Sometimes the children want to sit with me while they eat but I try to give them (and myself) some space; it never works. Toby reluctantly lets go of my hand as he heads to the cafeteria where the lunchroom supervisor waits, to make sure kids don't throw food or something at him, I suppose. It's a tough world in there and my students are targets. One of them just had his bag taken and I had to ask the supervisor to intervene before I could go back and start preparing the afternoon's lesson.

There are some mean-spirited children who become mean-spirited adults but I'd be surprised if they were born that way. No one has an equal start in life and although most people try their hardest, we all start with a different set of difficulties and advantages. My Godmother (who is mostly a wise woman) told me that.

I have to say the advantages (economically) I was raised with, did not leave me immune to the nature of my family – but you'll get to hear more about them later, trust me. Once I start oversharing I can't stop. You'll hear all about my snobbish father, more on my (sometimes) overbearing Godmother and my selfish sisters. I love them - don't get me wrong - they're family; but they are imperfect, like all of us; well, not like all of us. My relations are imperfect in their own particularly selfish ways. Like I said, I am resigned to tell the truth about them. I'm also going to tell you, lovely readers, about me and Ben, why we broke up and how I never got over him.

I know some smart girls out there will be critical of me for not moving on and may even want to shake me at some point or offer advice (which I'd be glad to hear), but I'm trying, honestly. That's why I'm re-enrolling in college even though my Godmother has warned me that a college education is about as useful as wearing a potato sack if you ever want to entice the man of your dreams.

Anyway, you definitely need to read this story before you criticize. It's easy to tell someone what's not right or how not to do something but it's much more difficult to help a person find the path to true happiness. That's what real friends do. They help. At least, that's what they should do.

So, here I am in a nutshell: shy, softly spoken, pushed by my Godmother into becoming a high school cheerleader; I dropped out of college at eighteen after a failed love affair. Not quite the end of my story though, as it turned out; just the beginning.

Before all of that, I wanted to be a writer or a teacher. I also liked to design and make my own clothes. Bizzare, I know, in this day and age, when it's easier to buy them, but those fashion shows on TV are, let's face it, inspirational. Besides, I'm officially broke as of now. It helps if I can make my own clothes.

I wasn't always like this.

Born rich and pretty, I grew up in an enormous house in Beverly Hills with parents who looked down on everyone else, including our equally rich neighbors. I was told to make the most of my private school education, so I don't expect anyone to feel sorry for me, nor would I wish them to.

I try not to complain about my family, but it's impossible. My Godmother, Eleanor, once warned me about complaining. "Never tell people your problems, Jane, most people aren't interested and the rest are glad you have them." That was her advice when I couldn't get over the losses of my eighteenth year. I'd like to think people are better than that but as with all sage words, there is probably an element of truth to those. That said, it was my Godmother's advice which added to the drama of my existence in the first place. My father also put in his dollars' worth of critiques.

Dad is the director of a huge company. He dabbled in movie production when I was a child and became an entertainment lawyer. His clients are seriously famous. It was not unusual for me to see heavily made-up and augmented movie stars parading through the halls of our house when I was small. They were glamorous women; I thought they looked like princesses but most of them weren't very happy and I never envied them.

My sisters probably did. They would remark that a certain famous actress _inspired _them, and then make snide comments when the actress left the room. Even so, my sisters are annoying over-achievers. My older sister, Elizabeth (or Liz), is an elegant model who takes pre-law classes at night school (when she's in Los Angeles) and is studying for her real estate licence. My younger sister, Melissa (sometimes known as Missy), has taken to marrying well (that is to say, rich) and having children, her primary occupation (which is wonderful, don't get me wrong); it's just that she's a year younger than me. Melissa can't resist letting me know I'm way behind her in the process of growing up and becoming an independent adult.

Our family was always in the headlines when I was a child and it was into this world that I was born; lost and imperfect. I'm quiet, fair-haired, big eyed, (Liz would describe me as "pretty - in a pale and understated way") and reticent. Basically, I'm altogether overshadowed by my smart and fashionable older sister Liz and my pushy younger one, Melissa. Sometimes I wonder if there will ever be anything that is truly mine.

It was during my teens that I first met Ben, first lost Ben.

Now Ben Wentworth (the hottest boy I've ever met) has just returned home to California. He graduated top of his class as an officer at the US Air Force Academy and is about to commence pilot training in Texas after a short vacation with his brother and sister here in Wentworth. Our family have owned a vacation home near the ocean for twenty years. It's on the right side of town. We look out over the sparkling beauty of the Pacific Ocean. If you could look far enough from our beach house balcony, you'd see Hawaii – or that's what my little sister tells everyone. Wentworth was only ever my family's second favorite spot to vacay – they preferred Maui when I was growing up, but I've always loved it here.

I learnt all about Ben via another text I just received from my cousin, Keira. Keira has heard all about Ben and me and how we got together and why we broke up. She thinks my father treated him badly and deep down, I think she knows Ben would never forgive me for what happened. Even though Keira is almost a year younger than me, she's way smart.

Although I never doubted Ben's bravery or his brilliance, my immediate family always did. So now he's home for the summer. He's probably arrived with his flawless flight attendant wife or girlfriend in tow. The child could have been his son for all I knew. Unless, well, he could have been his nephew… but it was none of my business anymore. I thought I could always ask the teacher, after Ben had left the building. Better yet, I'd text Keira. _**Just saw him.**__**Tell me everything.**_

I paused for a moment then I pressed send.

**Chapter Two**

**Fangirl**

_I remember our summer together like it was yesterday…_ **Confessions of a** **Post-teenage Hermit **

As a girl, I'd always looked up to Ben, not just because he was a year older than me. Ben was his own person. He didn't need the approval of others to make a decision. For that, and so much more, I admired him.

Even so, after all my on paper admiration, you should know that Ben didn't look up far enough to see me standing there that afternoon. He didn't meet my eyes and for that I was grateful. My ex-boyfriend didn't even notice me. He was too busy reading the Vacation Care notice.

Ben Wentworth had been more than unavailable over the years. The non-emails, the forgotten telephone numbers, the changed addresses, the lack of social networking sites between us weighed heavily on me in that moment.

I wore little make up and I was tired. My jeans were faded; my shirt was splashed with paint and a huge glittery star from the stage scenery I'd helped my class finish making that afternoon. I'd brushed my hair from my wan face and tied it in a bunch on the top of my head. I felt more than a decade older than my early twenties. Although I hadn't seen Ben in almost six years, I had thought of him every day in absentee; his graceful walk, his blonde sun-kissed hair, his warm chest.

My cell beeped. It was Keira.

_**His brother and sister are vacationing with him – that's all I know… so far! The child is his nephew – dodged a bullet there. But he has a girlfriend of course… a flight attendant!**_Keiraadded in her next text. I blocked out the words and thought of the man.

All of this flashed before my eyes in that one image I had of him. Boyfriend, first kiss, first love, only love, love lost; a true officer and a gentleman. I was grateful for the silence after that text. It meant I could gather my thoughts.

His walk was familiar but the secret thrill of seeing him again was tempered by the fact that, once more, I was watching him leave. He was tall and his shoulders were strong, like his face. I recognized his walk long before I saw his smile. His right hand, the large one holding the child's, was scarred and the way he rubbed his sandy, sticking up fringe with his palm were all recognizable characteristics of the person I'd loved.

As he collected the young boy from the classroom opposite mine, I remembered why we'd parted. I saw the younger teenaged faces of our friends from high school: Harley, Jenny, my sisters, even Serena Collins (mean girl extraordinaire).

_**What does his new girlfriend have that I didn't?**_ I texted.

Quick as a flash Keira texted back: _**Familiarity! Plus, her family R probably a**__**LOT nicer to him than yours was! And remember YOU dumped HIM**_

Not exactly.

I thought about the big questions of life. Does true love really wait? The answer was obvious. Is reclaiming love or ever replacing it even possible? I didn't think so. How do you forgive someone for choosing someone else?

You don't.

That afternoon, I watched the children leave, one by one, with their backpacks – and their parents. As I packed up the day's toys and placed them in a box, the hush of the empty school was eerie. The air was quiet and damp. The cleaning staff arrived as I collected my purse, stuffed full with children's drawings.

As I got into my car and turned on the ignition, I noticed it was getting dark. I'd had more work to finish for vacation care than I'd realised.

I had no idea I'd feel this bad the day I saw him again. I switched on the ignition and drove, relieved that I was at least heading to my favorite place on the planet.

When I arrived at my family's beach house not far from Wentworth Boulevard, there was a note for me on the front door from Liz, my older sister.

_We've finally managed to rent the place at the price we wanted! Don't panic; Melissa says you can stay with her and you're always welcome at home with me and Daddy! Talk soon, Liz._

After her name my older sister added a huge, smiley face.

Was she kidding?

There went my summer plans. Keira and I had even planned to go to Mexico for a few days (after vacation care had finished), then hang out at the beach house. Keira wanted to prepare her auditions for an acting course she planned to enrol in and I wanted to work on a piece I was writing for my blog about online dating. Of course, to write about it I'd have to try it and I hadn't done that yet. Either way, we'd planned a blissful summer to look forward to and now those plans were in ruin.

Deep down, I knew there was more to Liz's note than met the eye. My father was heading downhill financially and all of his properties had to be sold or rented out. Of course they'd decided to start with the property the rest of the family barely used – my current place of residence. It had a sign on the door _Kellynch._ Pl-lease. I have no idea which pretentious relative of mine would bother to name a house but somehow just reading the name always brought me comfort. There was more valuable real estate with an even more exquisite view of the ocean higher along the cliff edge, but this place was familiar. This was home.

I wasn't sure what I'd do now as I unlocked the door and went inside. I glanced at the unexpectedly formal haul of family photographs (piled on top of the baby grand piano), as I threw off my shoes in the doorway. I'd taken the piano with me from the Bel Air palace I'd been raised in. It was the only keepsake I'd had removed. I looked around the now-shabby but perfectly positioned property and mentally kissed it goodbye. The financial crisis had hit my family hard but how could my father honestly expect sympathy? How could I? Dad had been so rich for so long… all my childhood. He was so entitled even I didn't feel sorry for him.

I flicked through the rental notice on the kitchen bench and wondered how I'd managed to screw everything up so badly. As I poured myself some water, I downed it quickly, as if I couldn't breathe. The fact that I'd allowed my savings to be mixed up with the family's resources meant that I had no money in reserve. I was flat broke. Well, it was just too bad. No one deserves a free ride, but I'd been caught unawares. I felt choked, and quickly pulled open all the windows in the room to let twilight in.

Apart from the financial collapse of the family company, I had little to be truly miserable about. Money had never really meant anything to me. If it had, I suppose I would've been more career orientated. I'd probably be studying futures trading or something like that.

I flung open my substantial wardrobe. Already Liz had 'helpfully' tagged items of mine that she thought needed to be sold on e-bay or put into storage until I could find a home for them – and myself.

Thankfully, my pets, Sable and Muffin, had a place to stay. My cat and dog hovered around my feet as I prepared their dinner and took their bowls out to the porch. They were already familiar with the family home in Bel Air which overlooked the gated community of Sunrise. Sable and Muffin had lovely little homes of their own in my father's back yard. Since it was obvious my father preferred them to me, he'd always kept their animal houses ready for them.

It was true, I had barely enough savings for gas let alone a rental, but I'd have my summer job and that would be enough to get by on as long as I moved back home or stayed with Melissa in Venice Beach (a fate that had depressing implications).

I knew, but dreaded the thought, that if all else failed I'd have to go and stay with Melissa and become weekend babysitter to her three month old twins until I could get on my feet again. As I thought of this possibility, I shuddered. My cousins already had a full house. They'd invited a family they'd summered with in Europe once to stay and "even floor space would be hard to find," as Lia (my younger cousin) said. "But of course, we could offer you a closet."

I laughed.

Finding sanctuary with my cousins this summer was not the best solution.

Afternoon turned to evening as I sat in silence on the couch trying to distract myself by re-drafting the first lines of my latest blog entry.

_Lol (short for love of my life) has returned,_ I typed. _He's practically invaded my town, my school. Head is upside down... meanwhile house is not my own. I've just been evicted by my own family. Panic setting in at the thought of returning to a certain sister's abode…. Must take summer job as waitress, it's not so bad and the only job I'll find quickly enough… Goodbye Cabo, hello Wentworth… Night. __**Confessions of a Post-Teenage Hermit**_

Before I hit post, I uploaded a photograph of the view from my window.

A few bloggers clicked _Night._ I keep my blog semi-anonymous, of course, with just enough information to make it sound real (it is).

Writing is something I've done on afternoons and evenings since I first held a pen and kept a diary. At high school, I was into writing. A few people read my blog, but not too many that I don't feel I'm just writing notes for myself; a diary with pretty pictures and colorful headings. I guess it makes me feel present in my own world.

I know there are others like me out there in cyberspace, love starved hermits who care and can't give up on their first love, even when they know all hope is gone.

Okay, time for a confession. I've only googled Ben a few times over the years. I try to limit myself which is why, although I have the basic information about his life, I didn't know he was in town until I saw him.

I shut the lid of my lap top; moonlight streamed weakly through the edge of the curtain. I found what I was looking for in the drawers of my desk and suddenly pulled out an old shoe box, feeling once again like a spoiled teenage girl.

A faded photograph album, full of tucked away people and inside, the most hidden of all, the one photograph of Ben that I'd found bearable enough to keep. He looked so cool wearing blue jeans and a smile. I touched the film that covered the slightly tacky surface and kissed the image of his face.

Stuck to the photograph, I found a birthday card he had given me for my sweet sixteenth, "_whoever loved that loved not at first sight." _My older sister Liz had made a gag reflex when she found that. It was part Valentine joke; part declaration. I tucked it safely away inside my t-shirt drawer.

Ben had done everything he said he would. He'd gone to college and graduated as an officer. I admired him for that. I looked around the room. Silently, I said goodbye to all that was familiar. I felt weightless, as if I'd started life a whole human being but slowly, surely, these particles, these molecules inside me, had been taken until there I sat, in a bay window, fragile as a shell.

**Chapter Three**

**How the Great Love Affair Began**

_We met near the crash and burn of the ocean. Above us, a plane flew across the sky, far away from this place… _

**Confessions of a Post-teenage Hermit **

Okay, I may have given you a false impression; time to set things straight. No one should feel sorry for me. First of all, I am now officially employed most mornings at The Beach Shack, my favorite café overlooking the sea along the main boulevard of Wentworth. My cousin Keira manages this place. Like me, she's kind of the black sheep in her family. Unlike me, her family are kind and generous and proud of her. It is from this lofty countertop that I can start to tell you all about the story of my young life, how I met Ben, fell in love with Ben, lost Ben (yes yes yes all of that is included) but also about my family and the picturesque coastline I grew up visiting.

When I was small, my family owned real estate in a vast connection of Los Angeles streets, but it was the sprawling, ostentatious Bel Air mansion that my father liked most. My mother, on the other hand, enjoyed shifting with the seasons. She was from an old, eccentric European family but liked to roam around Venice Beach on weekends with me and my sisters after she'd finished shopping along Rodeo Drive. We took long trips together and one summer Mom discovered a tiny coastal town called Wentworth, not far from Los Angeles and fell in love with it.

My parents were polar opposites, so their split, a few years later, was not a total surprise. My Mom liked picnics, markets and the beach, amongst other things. My father preferred expensive restaurants, designer stores and playing tennis at his stuffy country club. He owned an office block near Rodeo Drive and frequented The Hide Out (my sisters and I named the company-owned apartment because it was the place my father's dalliances with his secretary took place) way out in the Hills. When we were growing up, Dad lived a life of careless disregard for the feelings of others and excessive monetary wealth gave him power he mostly abused. He was also almost as vain as my sisters and never met a mirror he didn't like. Finally my mother had enough of his philandering and his selfishness; two '_vices_' as she put it, _one in the same. _

My mother returned to New York and my sisters and I became bi-coastal. As I grew up, my older sister Liz was left in charge of Melissa and me (a lot). When we were in our father's care, his lack of parental supervision allowed me to effectively raise myself. In many ways I was a scholarly and quiet child. I was often found reading and scribbling whilst Melissa and Liz jostled for supremacy in front of the full length mirrors of their adjoining bedrooms, trying on our mom's discarded designer outfits. There was only a year between us all, so we shared clothes as often as we jostled for parental attention.

My sisters never showed any interest in the animal shelter I volunteered at when I was growing up and even less interest in the various dogs and cats I adopted and brought home. The good thing about my Dad is that he liked Sable, our part Persian cat; _color: cream, coat: long, texture: fluffy _and Muffin, our part boxer part something else rescue dog; _color: tan, coat: short haired, texture: wrinkly_. Most of the dogs are mixed with something else. It's a sad fact of life but the pure breeds never get left by the roadside. I love my mutts, though. Sable and Muffin are the most gorgeous pets any person could want.

It's kind of strange that my Dad has a soft spot for them. I say "strange" because he doesn't have a soft spot for any other living creature – although he's quite fond of my older sister Liz. She's made him proud since my Mom left; she's sort of taken over. Before the financial crisis my father lived an extravagant life. Let's face it, my sisters and I were spoiled; just not with any obvious displays of affection.

As our carbon footprint grew, so too, did we grow, living in a fancy house with plenty of food to eat and nice manners reserved for important people and lavish dinner parties. The Bel Air mansion where I grew up was effectively a house of women ruled by one man, my father. There were often producers and directors along with the actors wandering into the house in various stages of disrepair.

Liz, my older sister, has been absent more than present. She only recently returned to LA, after going away to college on the East Coast. Melissa, my sister, younger by one year, had her own ideas and her own set of friends. As we grew up, we grew apart, and we'd never been close to begin with. Melissa married the first rich guy who asked her. She explained to my parents that she was _"_so _in love_" she couldn't resist and they approved of her choice, though she was only eighteen.

The summer house, _Kellynch_, has been in the family since my great-great-grandfather migrated from England to establish one of the big movie studios California would one day become known for. Over time, the family sold off parts of the land overlooking the beach; land that had been my family's history, my father told me (my mother was not impressed with American history) for a hundred years. This was _forever time_ in my world. My great-grandfather had married a European heiress to replenish the family fortune after the Depression but the money had long-since been depleted through the decades and divorces (my family was known for divorces and depression problems – "it's just who we are" my mother informed me) before she went to New York to "fulfil her potential"_). _

Anyway, we were still seriously rich up until a few weeks ago. Big deal, as you may have noticed we've been poor in most of the things that matter. There were family portraits in the hallway of the Bel Air mansion (I always called it that when I was older) of my great-great-grandparent's wedding. My great-great-grandmother was pictured in her wedding gown; white lace dripping over her shoulders like she was drowning in snow whilst saying her vows (as if there would ever be snow in Los Angeles!). As a little girl, I looked at her sepia image and wondered how happy she had been on that day. They never smiled back then.

At sixteen, I believed in the perfect love. Mostly, I have Ben to thank for that.

Ben Wentworth's family also had some claim on the seaside town that was named after his ancestors. Although Ben's family had emigrated from war-torn Europe, they had once owned most of the beach side real estate until it was sold up over the years and the family assets were decimated in the same way my family's assets had been enhanced.

One summer, Ben Wentworth was new in town and he volunteered to help the life guards near The Beach Shack on Saturdays. He'd made headline news amongst the summering teenagers because he was nearly famous. Ben had played a role on a children's television show that filmed along the beach that summer (his aunt was the casting director) and he was officially on his own while he filmed the series. The production paid for him and the rest of the cast to stay in modest accommodation near the beach and on his days off he'd be surfing with his brother Harley and their friends, hanging out on the beach without their on-set chaperone. I'd noticed him loads of times but never had the courage to speak to him.

I was way too shy to become an actor or a model like my sister Elizabeth; and as my father assured Liz when he thought I was out of earshot, "Jane's not nearly decorative enough. I mean, she's pretty but she lacks that certain… star quality. She can barely manage to speak up for herself in company. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with her. Perhaps she has one of those _modern conditions_…"

"Aspergers?" my older sister ventured.

"That's not funny Liz…. I can hear you…" I yelled from the kitchen as I helped stack the dishwasher.

"Ah, she speaks," my father said, in one of his rare displays of humor.

I was used to the hurtful comments Dad found amusing and usually did my best to ignore them. I'd take off after I'd arrived home to go up to my room and write. I loved that summer in Wentworth and I refused to let my family ruin it. I'd seen Ben for the first time, the weather was almost always clear, the sky a perfect blue. My aunt and uncle had bought the coffee shop along the boulevard and renamed it The Beach Shack. The place served good coffee. It housed perfect light and benches for me to use while I wrote in my blog.

Ben had finished filming the television show by then and attended the local high school. My sisters and I were preparing to go to boarding school after summer. We'd previously attended high school in Los Angeles (The Los Angeles High School for Young Ladies or HSYL) with our cousins. HSYL was a notoriously snobbish place filled with stuck up girls from rich families like mine. The difference between our old school and our new school, Hallowed Halls (HH), was that HH was co-educational. My Godmother insisted that Hallowed Halls would be better for forming social connections. Our cousins still attended HSYL but were transferring to Sunrise High – where the notoriously mean _Princesses_, a social group only comparable to the _Socials_ in our select new boarding school, ruled.

That summer I religiously took Muffin (who was just a puppy) for his morning walk along the boardwalk from our beach house. I'd stop off at the café to write; anything to get away from my family as breakfast was a noisy affair inevitably resulting in an argument.

Sometimes I'd meet up with my cousins, Keira, Lia, Hailee, Ella and Kate, and their parents along the way. Keira was the cousin I was closest to and we were so alike we'd become close friends over the years. Together, we'd shop or go to the beach during summer and sometimes all the sisters would join us. It was always fun with them around and for some reason I got along with my cousins way better than my own sisters.

I tried to write in my blog most days but often I wasn't sure where to start. Back then, my journal was titled, _Confessions of a_ _Teenage Hermit_. Original, I know. It was just before freshman year and my sisters and I were in the process of transferring from The Los Angeles High School for Young Ladies to Hallowed Halls. There was a more official sounding name but that was the name we called it. It had an ominous façade and dark lattice work, but a strangely modern, welcoming interior.

I was excited to be getting out of my immediate area. After all, only summers were spent in Wentworth. The rest of the time I was in Beverly Hills and Bel Air and those streets, though lovely, were as familiar to me as air.

When I wrote in my blog I usually added a few words and pictures describing the places and people I was acquainted with, "nothing of consequence" my father noted when he found one of my printed posts lying around in the living room of our beach house. I wrote about meeting this cute boy (Ben) and how I'd probably never see him again.

"Who's the boy?" my sister Melissa giggled.

I snatched the page away from my nosey little sister.

My father showed less interest.

I'd met Ben earlier, at The Beach Shack café and way before that when his father had worked for us. Ben was older now. I was fairly sure he'd have plenty of teenage girl admirers. It certainly seemed like he did if the text messages that kept beeping on his cell as he sat with his friends over lunch were anything to go by. I remember chewing the end of my pencil, as I tried to conjure up the structure of a particularly meaningful sentence. I was just looking at him walk out of the room and return.

"You love to watch him go," my cousin Lia (who was a year younger than me), added as she wrapped her hands around my face, to surprise me, giggling as she entered The Beach Shack. I blushed and looked away.

He'd had a slight smile when we met up again in the coffee shop that summer before my freshman year.

I was reading _Sense and Sensibility. _ It was one of my favorite Austen novels. After reading _Little Women_ and all of the Brontes I'd now set myself the task of reading the complete works of Jane Austen.

"Hey, I've read that," Ben said, as he leant over to help me retrieve my papers from the floor. Conveniently, a rare ocean breeze had swept them off my table after my cousins had left. I could not hide my surprise.

"You're the first boy I've ever met who's read a Jane Austen novel," I said, in disbelief.

"Well, I'm not exactly typical." He leant in closer, "My agent was putting me up for a role in some British film, it's Austen-inspired, so I had to school myself up."

"Wow. Did you get the part?"

"Nah. Would I be hanging out on the beach if I got the part? They said I wasn't the right type, wanted someone more like a teen Hugh Grant."

"And what are you?"

"The casting agent described me as a teen Channing Tatum."

"Oh, please," I said. It was true. Ben was so buff but I was barely out of middle school and wasn't going to be the first to tell him. Lack of confidence was not his problem.

"It's okay; I'm over all of that. It was my aunt's idea. She's the agent. I think I'm going to concentrate on high school now. This acting gig was just a favor to her. All I've ever wanted to be is a pilot; a fighter pilot in the Air Force. I need perfect grades for that." He pulled a crumpled piece of paper out of his pocket in the shape of a paper plane and glided it through the air.

"Besides, I just got a letter. I'm going to Hallowed Halls in my junior year. I just won a full scholarship."

"Wow. That's where my sister and I are going to school this fall."

He considered my response and nodded.

"It wasn't my idea," he continued, "I didn't even submit the application, my parents did. But I need to do well at school and… that's the best place to go… no distractions. They're not enrolling me until junior year. My parents don't want me moving away from home until I'm sixteen."

I could have told him mine were glad to see me go, but I didn't. I was disappointed I wouldn't get to see him again for another two years, if ever. Plans could change.

Just then a plane flew overhead beyond the windows of the café. We both stopped and watched it form a tiny blip in the distance.

"That," Ben said, "is pure freedom."

Wow, actor, waiter, officer-to-be. Was there anything this boy wasn't or couldn't be?

"Rich," my sister Melissa informed me when I told her about him that night. "I heard about his family. Sure, they founded Wentworth but now they are just poor relations. The Elliots bought up the town about twenty years ago so I don't think you should tell Dad too much about your new best friend."

See what I mean about my family being elitist? I'm totally embarrassed for them, it started way back then.

That night, as I lay on my bed in the beach house I finished blogging. I remembered Ben's smile, his tan and his faded t-shirt. He looked like he'd been living outside his whole life. His hair was a blonde streaked, tousled mess. He smelt like flowers and sun. I remembered his parting words…

"The story was kind of interesting. It's what girls read, right? I have an older sister so I've acquainted myself with the female mind."

"Is that a joke?" I mumbled.

"Just kidding. I've got an older sister and she left it lying around."

"Oh, I have sisters too."

"Younger or older?"

"Both."

And our conversations continued like that, every morning for the next week until he turned up on my porch a month later.

"Just like one of those strays you insist on bringing home," my sister Liz noted.

**Chapter Four**

**Preparations **

_We got to hang out together while the porch was being built… _** Confessions of a** **Teenage Hermit**

Ben's dad was the builder hired to extend our beach house and Ben came along to help out. My older sister was too busy socializing (and bossing the decorators hired to restore the inside of the beach house), to notice Ben's arrival. Later she wondered aloud, "he's cute but isn't he too young for a job?"

"He's just helping his dad," I said.

My sister shrugged, unimpressed.

Ben's Dad parked his car on the street and that's when my father magnanimously stepped up and offered them the guest house to stay in while they were building the porch over the week it took to finish. This saved them the long commute across town and allowed them to start early.

I think Dad regretted it when he noticed how well Ben and I got along.

During that week Ben and I became inseparable. Ben was a year older than me and wore sunglasses to halt the glare which made him look even cooler than he was. His skinny arm muscles were beginning to stand out in the morning sun and he smiled, a lot. Compared to my family, he was warm and friendly and not just because we'd already met at The Beach Shack. Together, we swam in the pool and tanned until my sister went nuts and told us to come inside or else use more suntan lotion.

Mostly, we'd just hang out together. Ben was my first real friend. Because he also had a sister, he was used to talking to girls.

We talked about music and novels we'd read, or novels he said he'd read; he wasn't really into Austen, he'd just pretended to be "to impress me" he said.

The dream to fly like a bird was real. It was all he'd ever wanted since he was six. He was just working with his Dad over the summer to help out but he didn't want to build porches forever. Ben had big dreams; bigger than mine, I thought.

Being born wealthy made me reflect on what I lacked – the intangibles. The love and loyalty of my father for one thing, changed with the seasons. It seemed obvious that Dad didn't think I'd amount to much and though I heard him describe me to my older sister as "pretty enough in an understated way," I could tell my hesitancy in pushing myself forward irritated him. I'd try out for the cheerleading team because my Godmother encouraged me, but my older sister would be captain, if she had her way. She mostly did.

Liz was already planning to take control of the _Socials_ (a select clique of girls at Hallowed Halls, our new school). My older sister was clearly on the fast track to success. There was no doubt with her drive and all of dad's contacts; she would rule her new school and go on to attend a prestigious college. My father had set up a kind of competition amongst his daughters and already picked the winner. I refused to play the game.

Instead, I focused on matters of the heart.

Already, I liked Ben Wentworth, even though I doubt he thought beyond summer sun and the next plane flying overhead.

Inside, I melted every time he spoke to me or asked me to pass him his Dad's tools. We ate lunch together every day. I brought my notes outside to work on never ending stories. My father and sisters barely noticed the time I spent away from them, "scribbling." They were only interested in their own worlds: Dad in his latest "case" and celebrity client; Liz in her high maintenance beauty and study routines; and Melissa in her dolls and their dreams.

By the time the porch was finished, summer was almost ending and school was about to start. Hallowed Halls had a junior, middle and high school. All of the Elliot sisters arrived together.

With mom on the East Coast, one of the most influential people of my life stepped up to take her place, my Godmother. Eleanor Russell was stylish, rich, charming and as luck would have it, also our next door neighbor.

Before mom went to New York, Eleanor promised to "keep an eye on me." She became my advisor and confidant and assured me I was, "so much like my mother we'd get on fine." My mother's relocation to the East Coast gave Eleanor an opportunity to get to know us as "almost adults."

Eleanor also counselled my sisters, but they were less in need of her friendship since they had each other. Eleanor took Liz to modelling classes on Saturdays (Eleanor assured Liz good deportment would help "bring out her personality") and even enrolled Missy in a "high class" beauty pageant where one of her old sorority sisters was the judge (Missy won). Our Godmother also drove us to dance classes, assuring us that, "cheerleading would make us 'popular' if we tried out for the team at Hallowed Halls."

While Mom was mostly absent that summer, Eleanor literally became devoted to our upbringing. She listened as my sisters told her their concerns about Mom leaving daddy to "fend for himself." I remained silent.

My Godmother came to my room that night as I sat on the edge of my bed in my pyjamas, drinking honey cinnamon milk. Eleanor discarded all of the clothes that I'd chosen from my own wardrobe in favor of the ones that she had chosen for me, more conservative, perhaps fashionable and certainly less comfortable.

"Never mind, dear," Eleanor said, "who needs comfort at your age? There are sure to be some suitable friends for you at your new school and you never get a second chance to make a good first impression."

Of course she was right.

I suppose I could have looked more fashionable on my first day at Hallowed Halls but I didn't think anything would change with Liz the star and Melissa the up and comer. I'd be happiest just blending in with the scenery… or so I thought.

"You know, I only imagine the best for you; to be safe and happy. I want you to call me up on any of these numbers if for any reason at all, you need to talk," Eleanor said.

I looked at her complacently then leaned in and hugged her. I felt there was something she wanted to tell me, something about my parents maybe, something worth sharing but we remained silent and she patted my hair and left the room.

Later, I learnt my parents had decided to divorce and thought it best if my sisters and I were out of the house for a while. Perhaps they were right.

I knew it upset Eleanor to have to send me away but I didn't complain because a part of me wanted to go. The thought of being sent to a new school gave me mixed feelings. To be banished from the privileged world of my upbringing was almost a relief. I knew there was a secret that lay in wait for me there; Ben. He was sure to arrive by my sophomore year. It wasn't that long to wait.

And so I found myself at twelve, a boarding school brat. As the weeks went by, I found more and more excuses not to return home every weekend, especially once my mother left for good. It seemed like I'd wait forever for the boy who never showed.

Finally, when my sisters packed for a long weekend and there was no one but me left at school, I relented and went with them. I was greeted coldly by my father and I felt, no I was sure; I'd been replaced in whatever was left of his affections.

Back at school, the following week, my sisters were fully prepared to rule Hallowed Halls (when the time came). They had a "Plan of Action" that included becoming very, _very_ popular to pave the way for Liz to rule the _Socials_ by the time she was a senior.

It was kind of funny, at first. Then, they became totally obsessive and of course, wanted to include me in their plans. As Liz said, they could "rely on my vote and my lack of desire to usurp them." Of course, being two of the richest and prettiest girls, they drew a lot of attention to themselves at Hallowed Halls.

That was until Ben and his brother Harley arrived. By then, even I knew what it took to become popular.

**Chapter Five **

**Ben**

_The boy who almost never was, finally showed up and boarding school was lit with a new kind of sun. By then, I'd made friends…_

**Confessions of a** **Teenage Hermit **

I met Jenny at the start of freshman year.

Jenny Covington, my new best friend, was another reluctant cheerleader and in many ways, my savior. For a previously lonely girl like me, one who'd had few acquaintances beyond her sisters, to be accepted into Jenny's world was surprising. On paper I made the perfect foil for her outrageous antics. Plus, I introduced her to the _Socials._

I was quiet, shy and mostly polite. Jenny was loud, outgoing and as pushy as she needed to be around teachers in order to get what she wanted. We both came from similar backgrounds but her family were warmer and friendlier; her family's summer house had a different dynamic – welcoming.

Jenny discovered me hiding in a library on our first day at Hallowed Halls. I saw Jenny's flaming red hair through the stacks before I saw the boy who had chased her there. They'd only made the school co-ed in the last few years and the older students seemed to have a kind of "fall fever" in relation to inter-school dating, which was still a novelty. Even so, Jenny and I were more interested in cheerleading than boys. Both of us had the idea that when we met "the one" we'd know it.

Jenny's hedonism impressed me. When she joined the cheerleading team (and dragged me with her) it was obvious she grabbed life in a proactive way. Up until this point I'd been content to look on and be directed.

"Whatcha reading?" She'd asked me that day in the school library, with a swiftness that betrayed her near total lack of interest in my response.

I showed her the cover, _Mexican_ _Travel._

"Mmm... I always wanted to go to Cabo San Lucas," she said it as if she thought she might not do this, adding, "...We should go for spring break, when we're seniors."

"Sure," I nodded thinking, _as if my family would ever let me do that._

"You responded quickly. I think you must want to get away from home even more than I do," Jenny added.

I smiled, "I guess."

"What's your name?" she asked.

"Jane Elliot. It's an old family name, Plain Jane." I grimaced.

"I think it sounds regal," Jenny said, "and you are the least plain girl I've ever met."

I smiled. "Thanks. It sounds boring though… just Jane."

"Mmm… seems to me no one is just anything. We need to get social, girl. I'm Jennifer Covington."

"I know."

"Hey, we should try out for cheerleading together."

"Okay," I pushed my hair off my face and Jenny noticed my wrist.

"I just adore your bracelet. Where did you get it?"

"It was my grandmother's."

"It's beautiful."

"Thank you," I replied.

I needed a friend like Jenny. This girl was larger than life, but in a good way.

"I have to say, this school is way better than I thought it'd be. Still, no one could blame us for wanting to get out of this place. Me? I can't wait. I have no idea why my parents are even bothering to educate me since I'm taking a year off and heading to Los Angeles the minute I graduate. Hey, you want to come with me? I'm going to be a singer in a band…"

At the end of this speech she struck a pose that made her look like a 1960's rock star.

"Sure," I said, with a smile on my lips, "sounds like a great idea."

"What do you want to do when you get out of here?"

"I guess I'll go to college. I'd like to become a journalist or maybe a teacher. I like looking after kids."

"Well, it seems to me you could do all of those things… A teacher is probably the most helpful but a journalist sounds more glamorous. Maybe you could report from a war zone." Jenny said.

"Mmm," I hesitated. Living dangerously wasn't quite in the plan. Being resigned to the status of friend in her shadow, though, would suit me more than she knew.

"I'm going to make you over, Jane Elliot. I mean, I know the _Socials_ have a dress code but that doesn't mean you have to look...like this."

"Like what?"

"Mmm..." she pulled at the Peter Pan collar of my shirt, a season out of date according to Jenny, "I believe the polite term for your look is so yesterday."

"Thanks."

"But never mind. We can change all of that. We'll go to my room after practise for a makeover. I'm awesome at making people over," she assured me.

That sounded like a good idea, a makeover couldn't hurt, so I was happy to oblige.

"By the way, if you're interested in actually joining the _Socials_, my sister is a member and aims to be head of it," I announced.

"No way! Are you serious? But we're only freshman."

"I know, but they like to train up younger sisters. I'm already in and you are too, because you're my friend. Besides, we don't specifically have to hang with them, just turn up for mixers, dances, help organise the bachelor auction, that kind of thing."

"Jane Elliot, even if you weren't a _Social_, I think we are destined to be the best of friends."

I smiled as I gathered my notes and together we prepared for English class.

**Chapter Six**

_Even before Ben arrived, there was a lot of whispering in the halls… _**Confessions of a Teenage Hermit**

The summer of my childhood friendship with Ben had almost been erased from my mind by the time I reached sophomore year.

By then, I'd learnt to be a popular girl – a _Social_. I hadn't asked for inclusion into this elite group but Elizabeth's leadership aspirations and plans for Missy to take her place after her reign, meant my vote would be useful in all matters and I was an accepted addition. The inclusion of the Elliot sisters (and friends) into this select school society was a given. We were the legacy of one of LA's most scandalous and celebrated families. Liz even held secret dinners in her dorm room most weekends, plotting sororities she might join at East Coast colleges. We'd spent part of summer at _Kellynch_ and the other parts shifting between New York and Los Angeles. I was still reeling from my "vacation" in Bel Air at dad's place.

One weekend early in August, we'd been preparing to attend dad's birthday party. The Bel Air house was decorated and staffed for this express purpose – a formal dinner. I wasn't sure how I'd endure it.

"The Elliot name stands for all that is good, sociable and well-bred," my father announced that weekend during one of his infamous gatherings where his "perfect daughters" were expected to impress members of the Board, as his birthday present.

"The Elliot name stands for all that is _shallow, groundless and possibly corrupt_," I whispered to myself under my breath when it seemed no one else was paying me any attention, except my father.

There was a moment's silence before people resumed eating. One of the hired hands delivered a note to me direct from Dad, along with my side of mashed potatoes. On the paper he had written; "_Just to let you know you are not too old for me to ask you to leave the table. Now." _

I returned to school early to prepare for the coming semester.

Boarding school was making me independent, but as my Godmother told me that night before I left, "that is no excuse for publicly humiliating the family." Eleanor had a point and I resolved to hold my tongue in future.

My sisters were happy to be literally fed by the same system which seemed to subject me to a subordinate role. I had to learn what was expected of me as an Elliot. It was as if, once I'd learnt to style my hair perfectly and apply the right brand of lip gloss (our allowances had always been very generous), and fit in by being a shadow against the cool crowd – an almost-pretty girl (how I saw myself) with no obviously conflicting opinions of my own – everything would be okay. By then, I walked a fine line between outward popularity and inward chaos.

I had slowly built myself again from the shoes up in the shadow of my fashionable older sister. By the start of sophomore year and with Jenny's help, I'd decided to reinvent myself from the child I had been, to the "in control" young adult I was becoming. I'd drifted through my classes until then, transforming from a hermit-like teen to a social, well-dressed cheerleader, gaining above average grades.

I knew I'd have to lift my game by junior year in order to get into a college worth attending, but deep down I wasn't ambitious for anything beyond a good relationship with a boy I could love. A job I enjoyed would also be nice. I liked reading, writing my own stories and babysitting. My Godmother had taught me to draft patterns and design clothes, so that was another of my interests, my "little hobbies" as my father referred to my passion for design. My least favorite subjects were biology and math and I generally found myself sketching under the desk while my teachers talked.

I'd almost ceased thinking about Ben on a daily basis when he finally arrived at Hallowed Halls. I remember hearing about him first from Jenny Covington, now my closest friend. I was surprised Serena Collins (another _Social_ with leadership aspirations) held bragging rights already.

"He's mine," she announced over lunch at our special table with a full view of other, less socially connected aspirants.

"She needs to take a chill pill already and get over it," Jenny whispered.

Dana Lawrence, Serena's bestie nodded her head in perfect agreement and gave me a knowing look. Ever since I'd taken a more central position than Dana on the cheer squad she'd been acting jealous and mean towards me. It was only because I was Liz's sister that either of those girls were even civil.

"Oh, she played spin the bottle with him at a party once," Jenny assured me as we walked to class. "No big deal. They were only eleven."

I zoned out as Jenny talked schedules for the day.

I interrupted her when our teacher, Miss Clay, brushed past our lockers.

Miss Clay was very well-dressed and held her head high, high enough to look down on her own students. Miss Clay, under the guise of friendliness, stopped me to talk about my father.

"Is your father coming to parent-teacher evening, Jane?" she asked me. Miss Clay was very keen on all things my-father related. She'd wanted to know, "how he was getting along," since the divorce. I found this quite amusing but Eleanor Russell, who came to take me for lunch one Sunday; assured me I needed to be more perceptive about people's true intentions.

Eleanor went so far as to suggest my teacher, Lilly Clay, was interested in my father romantically and that he would be susceptible to the charms of a much younger woman. Perhaps Eleanor was right.

All I could say was, "poor Miss Clay." Even though daddy was my father and thought himself very good-looking, it was clear to me, that since he drank too much and exercised too little, his skirt-chasing days were way behind him (I'm just being honest). Eleanor assured me this was not true, that men like my father enjoy the chase at any age and that I should be careful about Dad connecting with unsuitable women.

"What do you mean?" I asked Eleanor.

"That woman, Lilly Clay, has her eye on your family's money - mark my words; and marrying your father would be the fastest way to get it."

"Oh," I said, this was an eye-opener to me. I really couldn't see how any younger woman, in fact _any woman_, would find Dad appealing but let's not go there right now. I put thoughts of Miss Clay out of my head. I had to, in order to stay sane.

My sisters and I generally carried the notes we needed to class and kept spares in the row of lockers which made Hallowed Halls seem more like a six star resort for unwanted rich kids, rather than an academically focused boarding school for Type A personalities.

That morning, the first day of Ben's arrival, Serena Collins and I had just come back from our morning gym session. I loathed gym but Serena loved it because she liked the coach's assistant, an older student from the nearby college campus. Soon Serena would have someone newer to focus on; Ben.

Jenny met us for hot chocolates post-shower and pre-first class. We had an awesome cafeteria which remained open from dawn till dusk. The facilities at Hallowed Halls – an Olympic sized swimming pool, tennis courts and a games room - were pretty amazing by the stretch of anyone's imagination. We were seated at a round table when Serena started gossiping.

"So, let me tell you more about the new boy..." Serena stated as if she already knew him well. It was a given that she would have the jump on me in the way of any sort of juicy details. I listened absently as I readied myself for cheerleading practise. Ben Wentworth was all Serena talked about for thirty minutes. I was elated that he'd arrived but I didn't show it. I acted cool since I was learning it never paid to let mean girls like Serena and Dana know everything I was thinking. They'd just use it against me.

**Chapter Seven**

**That Night **

_I waited for him at the first Social mixer of the year, punch and appetizers in hand; I'm not sure what I was expecting... _**Confessions of a Teenage Hermit **

We'd heard about Ben's arrival but neither Jenny nor I had sighted him. The boys were housed in a different area of the school.

That evening, in the cool of Jen's room, we ate snacks pilfered from the kitchen: corn chips, dip and carrot sticks. We had a view of the courtyard and the adjacent parklands and we saw Ben and his brother kicking a football around in the grounds below.

Ben was wearing a red school sweater. "Wow, he's hot," Jenny said. Then she turned to me and smiled, adding, "chillax, I'm talking about his brother. Harley's the one in the blue sweater, right?"

I peered through the window.

"Right."

"We should wave."

I looked at her, aghast.

"Kidding, just kidding. I know. It pays to be unobtainable."

We arrived at the _Welcome New Students_ mixer at six in the evening. My sister Liz greeted the new students animatedly as I hovered in the background.

I whispered to Jenny, "Where are they?"

"They had to meet the principal, settle in and then go to the game this afternoon. The whole football team are just arriving now from the other side of town."

"Oh," I said.

"Blame Serena," Elizabeth replied, "she's the one who messed up the dates. It has been noted."

I looked around the brightly lit entrance hall. The décor and furnishings were richly colored and impressive. Elizabeth was keen to keep Serena in her place, socially. Let's face it, Serena's chance of becoming _Head Social_ when it was her turn to be a Senior, was flimsy, at best. She'd have to rely on the good opinion of my sister and me to make that happen and we all went to elementary school together. There, Serena had been part of her own little group, generationally known as the _Princesses_ and she'd played countless tricks and placed the blame squarely on me. Serena could hardly expect me to endorse her reign.

Liz surveyed the room, sans Ben, Harley or any other vaguely interesting guys.

"I'm doing all of this for you, Jane."

"Huh?" I asked as I scooped some punch into a glass.

"Miles away, Jane. First, I'm going to be voted Head Social next year. Then, when I leave, I'm aiming to nominate you, my middle sister, to take my place."

"That's great," I said blankly.

"Don't look so enthusiastic, Jane. _Team Leader_ will look good on your college applications. I know you're not interested but Melissa is, and if you don't step up, the Elliots have no chance of running the school by the time Serena becomes a Senior."

"Oh," I replied. I knew she wouldn't have nominated me because she thought I was the best person for the job. I couldn't wait for the stupid mixer to end, no show Ben and another pointless rant from Liz. At least Jenny seemed to be enjoying herself greeting the newbies at the snack table.

An hour later, the lights were dimmed and Ben and his brother arrived with Tom Winchester and some other boys from the football team. As retro music played Ben walked straight over to me.

"Hey," he said.

"Hi," I smiled. He looked really cute in his school football sweater with the letter H printed on the front.

There was a lightness in my stomach that I couldn't deny as we started talking alongside the non-alcoholic punch bar.

"Wow," he smiled tasting the punch, "this is pretty tame."

"You mean lame."

"Kind of."

"Well, the teachers already sampled the punch so we couldn't spice it up." I gestured to the teachers at the door. He smiled as I added regretfully, "We had to keep it clean in case they return."

Ben glanced across the room towards the girl standing with his brother.

"Who's that?"

"My friend - my best friend - Jenny Covington."

By now Jenny and Harley were in deep conversation.

"They seem to like each other," Ben noted, then he smiled again and said, "I'm going over to get some food. It's great to see you again Jane."

"Likewise," I replied.

"They look good together," Elizabeth whispered in my other ear after Ben left. "See, your friend Jenny isn't backward in coming forward."

"Shh, I said as I poured out some punch, "could your voice be any louder?"

"Sorry, just saying. If you don't jump in first someone else will get him."

"Who are you talking about?"

"Well, Tom Winchester of course."

I glanced towards the far corner of the room. Tom Winchester, property developer's son, rich senior extraordinaire and ace _player_ to be, in my opinion, was surrounded by girls.

"He's all yours," was all I said.

"Thanks, but I only date college boys. Some of us have standards."

I was glad she hadn't noticed me staring at Ben from the counter top all night while he talked sport with his team mates.

There was something she was right about, though.

After that night Jenny and Harley were inseparable. Although my relationship with Ben was a slow burn, they never left each other's sides, unless they had to, from that moment on.

**Chapter Eight **

**The Library**

_Rumors spread that Serena had moved her bean bag next to Ben's during movie night and was using every excuse to get close to him… __**Confessions of a Teenage Hermit**_

The following week in the lunch queue (after Jenny had detached herself from Harley) I couldn't resist a comment. After all, I hadn't seen Jen for days.

"You know, it really is almost too much, Jenny. I feel like I've lost a friend…"

"And found a sister," Jenny replied cheerily. "Just think," she whispered, "If I marry Harley and you marry Ben, that's what we'll become."

"Ben and I are just friends."

"Friends who like each other. I've seen the way he looks at you. I have my spies."

"There are plenty of those at Hallowed Halls," I said, grumbling over my turkey sandwich.

"Liz and Serena to name just two," Jenny added with a smile. My younger sister was only a freshman but definitely in thrall to Liz's power already. Missy followed her around everywhere, taking notes to prepare for her inevitable ascent into the _Socials_. Melissa and I only spoke when we had to as Missy was busy "preparing to hang with the cool girls."

The next night after study hall Jenny came running into my room.

"We're going to be sisters after all," Jenny whispered to me. "Harley told me, Ben has liked you since you were both kids together! Ben enrolled at Hallowed Halls just to meet up with you again."

I shook my head.

"I have it on good authority."

"Whose?"

"His brother's, Jane. Harley would never lie to me. Don't you think he's amazing?"

"I guess so," I shrugged, pretending to be indifferent, secretly feeling elated.

That night, I worked on my unfinished blog entry in my dorm room. I was over one hundred lines into it, seated in the quiet of the school library editing the entry:

_**My thoughts on Unrequited Love**_

_I've liked him a long time. Too long. This boy is seriously close to perfect. Sometimes I wonder if I'd like him as much if his eyes weren't so blue or his hair not so blonde or he wasn't part of the football team. I know someone's worth is not how they look. Appearances can be deceptive. Some of the prettiest girls I know are not so pretty on the inside. _

_No, the perfection of this boy – the hottest of the hot boys, in my opinion - lies in his perfectly sweet heart. Tonight, I found a note under my door. He left it there and on the cover he'd scrawled the first letter of my name! J! Then, he folded it into a paper plane! He wants to be a pilot. _

_I've never let myself feel this happy or hope this hard. It's taken a long time for him to notice me as anything other than a childhood friend but paper planes don't lie! Finally, I think we might become more than just friends. ARGGHH! May the next post be the best post lol oxo… _**Confessions of a** **Teenage Hermit **

I'd tied my hair up using a pen after writing a few notes in pencil in the side margin; before I typed up my entry and pressed publish. This had been my habit from my first year at middle school when I exchanged my paper journal for a blog. Basically, my blog entries (one hundred and twenty-eight before this one) were all about a girl who was rejected and ignored by her thankless family and searching for happiness in a new social circle; boarding school. Sound familiar?

I looked up from my keyboard when I heard Jenny's voice.

Jenny waved two pieces of paper in my face.

"Guess what? We're going on a hiking trip this weekend."

"With the _Socials_?"

"Yes but that's just the excuse to get parental approval."

"Oh." I thought that was unlikely.

"Don't worry, the adults are sure to be thrilled about the fresh air and exercise and if they aren't, I'm an excellent forger."

And that is how Ben and I got to know each other again: two days of hiking with a school group; a walk in the park; pitching tents; a campfire under the stars; and a few whispered assurances that he'd looked forward to seeing me again since the first moment we'd met.

The morning after the hike, Ben, Harley, Jenny and I went off to find extra firewood. I lagged behind and managed to trip over a forgotten branch. I slipped and fell ten feet down a ravine. Ben ran back to get me as I clutched on to a branch and dragged me back to the raggedy edge, a true hero. I was (thankfully) uninjured and the trip served to inspire within me, even more confidence in Ben.

He had climbed down the ravine, took my hand in the afternoon sun and lifted me to safety. My smile betrayed pure relief that the accident hadn't been more severe than grazed knees and elbows. Ben smiled assurances and didn't let go of my hand until we were safely back on track. There was strength in his touch. We were just teenagers but I was definitely half way in love with him by then. I can't tell you how I knew. You just know.

I promised I'd tell you and I have: that is how the great love affair began; with a cliff; a strong grip and a few words of comfort.

**Chapter Nine**

_**Wish Fulfilment – Junior Year**_

_Boarding school was boring no more as girls jostled to be part of the Ben Wentworth fan club. His brother was clearly a one man woman… _

**Confessions of a** **Teenage Hermit **

After our hiking trip, we started making excuses to meet up at school.

The following Monday I was flicking through the required classic reading list in my English Lit folder: _Wuthering Heights_ and _Pride and Prejudice _as well as two Shakespearean plays, _Much Ado About Nothing_ and _Julius Caesar. _I felt uninspired.I was wishing we were doing _Romeo and Juliet_ when Ben tapped me on the shoulder and smiled.

"Hey, didn't I fix your family's beach house one summer?" He asked as if it was the first time we'd seen each other in recent years.

"Hi." I said, beaming from ear to ear. "That joke's getting old."

"How's your knee?"

"Fine, thanks to you." I changed the subject. "How come you're in my English Lit class?"

He shrugged his broad shoulders

"I transferred from History. This group seems like it'll be better. They're combining Junior and Senior classes now. Not enough takers."

"Oh."

We looked into each other's eyes from behind our lockers and before I knew it he'd planted a first kiss on my lips.

I smiled. It was perfect. He looked around the corridor and said, "I like you. I mean, I really like you. I only talked to Serena to make you jealous."

"Really? Well that's good to know."

He smiled.

"It took a while. Let's see… three football games, two social mixers, one fall down a cliff. I think I deserve a medal for my bravery."

"An award should be arranged."

"Really?"

"Uh huh."

"Let's ditch this class and go to the library. I need to do some more research," I suggested.

"Sure," he said. "In the stacks?"

"Yes," I replied, "definitely."

As we headed to the library he said, "I missed you last night."

"Me too." This was not the moment to play it cool.

"I got used to sharing the night sky with you. We need to stay focused, though. We shouldn't get too distracted," he added as we kissed again behind a row of research files. What can I say? There was some kind of magic between us as I pulled him closer.

"Agreed," I said.

I'd never felt so happy. Ben and I spent every waking moment together; talking, eating, at team practise. We discussed endlessly what we'd do when high school was over.

I hadn't forgotten flying was his dream. Only the very best students would be considered for pilot training in the Air Force. They had to ace math and science and all the difficult subjects.

"You have to get serious about study," I told him. "No distractions."

He just smiled his wicked grin.

"Agreed," he replied as we met in the bleachers after practise one day.

We tried to stop ditching class to make out. We decided to stop meeting between classes to do anything but study. We resolved to stop meeting up after lights out. Just to be together was a perfect distraction.

I didn't envy Ben's dreams but I admired them. After just a short while it became apparent that he had strength of character wholly untested in me, so far. For example, if someone criticized me, Ben always stood up for me. He had his own thoughts and ideas beyond the pack. I'd always done what I was told. I fell into line with the _Socials_ and I was well enough liked because of it. I'd never had to struggle for anything, not even to be noticed. The truth was, I hadn't wanted to be noticed, until now.

I looked into his face again as we walked back to class that day. Apart from kissing we'd spent the last thirty minutes planning the future. We talked about running away together after I'd finished school, but that would hardly be possible if Ben was accepted into the Air Force. He smiled as we walked to lunch together. I remembered a look of wonderment on Ben's face as we watched a jet fly over the ocean together when we were children. We guessed the places it could be going and ended up with Hawaii.

"That's where I want to be someday," he had said. "Up there in the sky, flying."

Every Wednesday, during my junior year, we had practise. Ben played football and I had cheer squad. As Liz noted, we'd become the perfect clichéd couple.

As Ben wandered off down the hallway I noticed he was one of the tallest boys in school. He looked bored with the confines of the walls already.

Ben carried _Great Expectations _in one hand (and held the weight of them), literally, in the other_. _I knew he would be streets ahead of the other students in English Lit. and not just because he was a senior. Ben seemed wise beyond his years.

By spring of junior year, it was pretty clear we were in love. Even though we were young, I considered Ben the most remarkable person of my sheltered acquaintance. Jenny couldn't have been more thrilled with the situation. Meanwhile, Liz had given up trying to dissuade me. Melissa was apparently indifferent.

Because Ben was academically outstanding and also brilliant at sports, adding to his popularity, my sister Elizabeth seemed to come over to his side eventually, even listing him "top priority" at the Senior Bachelor Auction. Liz wrote, _that's if he's not too cool to show._

"Oh, and Jane?" she added as an afterthought, "you can forget about bidding, that would be way too obvious."

**Chapter Ten**

**A Bad Ending**

_How do I describe the part where it all went wrong?... _**Confessions of a** **Post-teenage Hermit **

It's a long story, the part where it ended. It was a slow ending, yet it was fast. In retrospect our whole teenage relationship seems like an ending in disguise. The end began about a year after we'd started dating. I'd turned sixteen and took Ben home with me for dinner one weekend. To say he was not made to feel part of the family is an understatement.

The evening began with a few unwelcoming words from my father and some hostile looks from Melissa. Liz had also changed sides. I am ashamed to repeat how badly my family looked down on him and how powerless I was to prevent it. Ben left early.

When we met back at school the following Monday, something had changed. Deep down, both of us knew my family would be a problem in relation to our future happiness. I resolved not to take Ben to my home again until my family learned to "behave" themselves. But I wondered how many years it would take for them to change their attitudes. They were just snobs, plain and simple.

"That boy isn't good enough for you," my father had whispered as I cleared away dessert. Ben was standing at the door to the kitchen just about to ask me if I needed any help. He could not have mistaken my father's meaning or the look of horror on my face.

I took my coat and announced that I was going back to school.

My father just said, "not if you want me to pay your tuition," under his breath.

"I have to go, Jane." Ben said. "We'll talk on Monday."

I didn't blame him. I ran to the door but his car had already sped off.

"And there he goes," Elizabeth said, "out with the trash."

I threw my drink at her. Elizabeth's shocked expression was nearly worth the face slap I received from my father after he walked back into the dining room. It was the first and last time he would ever hit me. After that, he apologised but was secretly quite pleased with himself, I think.

Back at school, I asked Ben to forgive me.

"There is nothing to forgive," he replied. "I love you, your family hate me. It's kind of like _Romeo and Juliet_."

"Don't say that. We both know what happened to them."

Then, of course, there was the night of the bachelor auction that ended like a Greek tragedy.

Harley won. Ben arrived late from a debate night at another school. He stood in the corner with me and laughed as Harley was crowned "Bachelor of the Year."

The next part was everyone's idea. We decided to pile into the car after lights out and everything had closed down, all the teachers and other students were in bed. Ben, Jenny, Harley, Liz and Tom Winchester (his personality had improved under my sister's influence – according to Liz) and I, drove to Wentworth Canyon, an area we knew. None of us were drinking. We made a bonfire; we were hiding out from the school, just relaxing and having fun. Nobody expected Jenny to go off and look for firewood with Liz and me trailing behind. No one could have known she would walk too close to a ledge that would, in a freak moment, collapse and drag her down with it.

What followed was the worst night and morning of our lives.

The searchers didn't find Jenny for a long time. She fell so far into a ravine and our only comfort was that she had not suffered and was killed instantly.

After statements had been taken by police and investigations underway, we were all suspended. The school couldn't expel us for drinking but a shadow fell over us anyway, since none of us were supposed to be out of school grounds. We had acted recklessly and there was talk of the school being sued for negligence - as if that would bring Jenny back. I already knew just how dangerous that ravine was. We had behaved badly. A part of me felt we were all somehow complicit in the whole horrible tragedy. We should never have been at Wentworth Canyon in that place, on that night.

And maybe if we hadn't, Jenny would still be alive.

Afterwards, we said goodbye to her in our own ways. The _Socials_ and all of her real friends including Ben and of course Harley, went to her favorite place on the beach with items we knew she'd love. Harley placed notes from all of us in a bottle and threw it out to sea. It wasn't much, it wasn't enough and none of us, especially Harley, knew how to get on with our lives.

In the end, the brothers both won a sports scholarship to various prestigious universities. Ben didn't go. I applied and was accepted into a liberal arts degree (though I don't know how since I could barely study for exams or concentrate during my final semester). In any case, I dropped out of college during first semester. I couldn't study; it just seemed pointless. Elizabeth got accepted into her finance degree but lost some of her drive to finish and instead accepted modelling assignments that took her far from Bel Air.

Ben, who had already been scouted by colleges, joined the Air Force. By then, everything had changed. A soberness had fallen over our small world and even, it seemed, the town where our school was situated. Wentworth felt darker. It didn't matter that they'd remade the boulevard and put extra lights along the pier. I missed my friend every day.

A year passed in a blur. Everything between Ben and me did too. Our relationship changed once we were no longer together. Ben was in college, I'd transferred to a local day school to finish high school. After the seniors graduated, there was no reason for me to stay and be reminded every day of the best friend I'd lost and I couldn't help but blame myself.

People who knew Jenny tried to move on. Her family moved away but I was comforted by the ocean and the coffee shops we'd visited on the rare occasions we'd managed to ditch school and run away to the sea.

Ben came home for my graduation. It meant a lot to have him there but the ceremony itself didn't mean that much to me. I was valedictorian of my new senior class. I'd had nothing to do but study. Without my sisters or Jenny there to be part of the ceremony, it was all pretty empty. Then Ben showed up unexpectedly. He'd talked about coming but wasn't sure if he could take the weekend off.

Ben waved to me from the crowd and took a photograph. I was ecstatic. My father glowered at us. Now that Harley was somehow seen to have been involved with Jenny, "to have failed to protect her" according to my father, Ben was even more under the microscope.

He was going to take the high road, going to go over to my father and shake his hand, but I warned him against it. I was surprised that Dad had even showed up at my "second class high school graduation" as he put it. Though, I'm fairly sure, deep down, he was impressed I'd saved on school fees.

I didn't care what dad thought. His true selfishness made me wonder if he was my biological father until I'd seen my birth certificate (aged eight) which confirmed it.

That day, I headed straight towards Ben. I wanted to run away with him and would have, if he'd asked. He was not impulsive. Ben liked to think things through. He slipped a note into the picket of my robe.

The proposal had been swift and to the point.

_Dear Jane _

_Sometimes good comes from bad, don't forget it. Jenny would have wanted to see you smile today just like I did. _

_I have to go now, but I will see you again, soon. _

_I love you, I'll always love you. You are the only person I want to dance with, be with, love with. Even though we are young and your family clearly hate me (and it's a long time to wait, I know)… after I graduate from officer training, will you marry me? _

_Truly _

_Ben xo._

**Chapter Eleven**

**New Days – Six years later **

_I turned the pages of the newspaper, spread across the kitchen table, immersed in the headlines, stunned but not surprised to see my family's name embroiled in financial scandal… _**Confessions of a Post-teenage Hermit**

I'd found that note when I packed up my things. My secret engagement had been so long ago it was largely forgotten by everyone except me.

My teaching assistant's job had officially ended for the summer (and because I was only employed on contract I had no pay to go on vacation). My bank account, aligned with the family trust – the place I'd allowed my father to invest my share of the family savings and assets, was tied up in debt, frozen. It would be months before we knew the outcome of the investigation into the director of the financial organization we'd invested with. I had exactly one month's salary to live on – for the rest of my life.

I was in some credit card debt (my fault from the shopping sprees I'd been encouraged to go on by my sisters) but still, it was the worst time to find a 'real job'. There were so few vacancies and I didn't have my degree. Unlike my older sister, Elizabeth, I didn't panic. I'd allowed my father to invest money my grandparents had set aside for me, years ago, and although we had not been close in recent years, even then it must have been a very unwise decision. I had to take responsibility for my actions.

Besides, I loved The Beach Shack. Being a waitress was not the worst idea I'd ever had; it just didn't pay well. It paid enough, almost.

"Keep telling yourself that, Jane," Melissa said. "You're in your twenties now, it's time to wake up and smell the espresso – literally."

I wished Melissa would keep her 'helpful' comments to herself. Teenage marriage had been her escape and she'd never had to consider how to earn a living since. It was typical of her to judge me for trying as hard as I could.

I wrote out the pros and cons.

Pros:

At The Beach Shack, Keira and I get free coffee and food. I also get to sit and work on my blog before and after work and during breaks. It is wasted energy to worry about the lost deposit or the weeks I'd saved to go on the trip to Mexico, something I'd been planning for months.

Cons:

The vacay money would have to go towards my debts and credit card bills.

Who said being an adult was fun? I threw the travel brochures away and picked up _Pride and Prejudice_ instead. I read until early morning.

After I fell asleep, the telephone woke me up, ringing in my ear. I thought it had been disconnected. I let it go to messages. The only way anyone communicated these days was by text anyway, unless it was urgent. I thought I'd better check. It was Melissa, my younger sister. I heard her familiar whine: twenty-one, married and newly pregnant with her third child. Her first pregnancy, two years ago, had resulted in twins.

I could hear Melissa's flat, monotone voice, on the other end of the line, begging me to come and stay with her in Venice Beach. Well, I liked Venice Beach but staying at her place was like a living nightmare of sulking nannies and screaming babies.

At least she'd offered. Let's face it, I was in no position to refuse but I knew my father and Liz were expecting me in Bel Air. I hoped it would only be until I got on my feet.

Nevertheless, Melissa sounded pretty desperate.

"The nanny needs the day off to go to her mother's second wedding, so typical!" I pulled the receiver from my ear. Almost no one called me these days except my sisters, and only when they wanted something. I listened to Missy's voice drone on, a litany of whinges ending with, "I need you here now!"

Turns out Melissa and Fred, (Melissa's husband), had a function at Fred's work they couldn't cancel and Melissa needed me to drive to the beach house and deliver the keys to Liz who'd organised the lease with the new tenants. Missy had to get ready, then she wanted me to drive back to her place and babysit her children for the evening.

I knew it.

I loved children but Melissa's infant twins were the most difficult I'd ever encountered. All of her previous nannies had quit and I didn't blame them.

In a nutshell, my sisters and Keira are pretty much the only other "adults" I've spoken to in ages. How was it, I wondered, after more than twenty-one years on this earth, I'd managed to create a network of so few friends? It hadn't helped that I'd dropped out of college. But now, my closest acquaintances apart from my family were the convenience store operator and the lady who ran my father's local dry–cleaning store.

Reluctantly, I pulled on a sweater and picked up my car keys.

When I reached Melissa's house near Venice Beach an hour later, I glanced at the note she'd left on her dining room table. _I had to go to the grocery store. I'm out of formula! Keys are in the red envelope. Thanks Jane! Text me when you're done. _

The kitchen was shambolic. The maid had quit the previous week. There were papers piled up everywhere I looked. I brushed them aside as I tried to locate the envelope, then I glanced at my reflection in the hall. I hadn't bothered with make-up but I thought I should wash my face. Before I left, I stacked the dishwasher, scraped my hair into a ponytail, secured it with elastic and rubbed some lip balm into my lips; not very glamorous but ready to go.

I loved driving my old car but suddenly the images of those who were lost to me in different ways – my father, Jenny, Ben – filled the small spaces in my mind that had room for any worldly cares. I was exhausted with worry yet the ocean usually revived me. I loved the coastline along the winding road that led into Wentworth. I turned up the music in my car stereo, but being alone gave me too much time to think.

I was lucky, really, I told myself. It was just the comparison with my sisters that made me seem somehow lacking. I was hardly old, but my sisters seemed to have their lives organised on the surface. Underneath, it was a different story.

Melissa met Fred at eighteen and married him three months later. Elizabeth was a driven career woman with a high salary and a passion for first kisses. I had it on good authority (via Melissa) that she was dating Tom Wentworth, but she didn't want him to think she was "exclusive;" like I cared.

I was beginning to look like the sibling without direction, purpose or prospects. Since I hadn't had a boyfriend who'd lasted longer than a week in three years, neither of my siblings held out high hopes for me.

When I arrived at _Kellynch_, the house was lit in afternoon sun. I unlocked the door and pulled on my painting shirt, which still had tiny, Dali-esque splatters along the collar, cuffs and front.

I was not surprised that my family didn't arrange the necessary house makeover and repairs until after I left. Freshly painted, the place looked spick and span again and ready for the new tenants. _Kellynch _was full of memories of happier days.

You could practically smell the cloying sweetness of money in the damp Victorian hallway near the family portrait, which had been covered with a cloth. I breathed out heavily, determined not to cry anymore. I'd tried to slip out of the old house days ago, along the hedges of the flowers and fruit trees my grandmother had planted, but once again, I was dragged back.

I went outside and sat on the front porch, waiting for Liz to arrive (late as usual), and then I decided to go for a walk to clear my head. I knew I'd probably never live here again, certainly not as a tenant, much less the owner. I wanted to remember the sea air and the sand between my toes.

The visitors, the family who wished to lease the home, were to arrive at midday to exchange contracts and keys. I wasn't sure why an estate agent wasn't employed but suddenly Liz was on a savings drive and had decided to deliver the paperwork herself. She assured me the new tenants would, "look after the house as if it were their own."

I glanced at the contract but their surname, Croft, didn't ring a bell. The family were obviously not locals.

I couldn't breathe that afternoon as I waited. It had been half an hour, already. Bored, I found my old swimsuit in a box and decided to go swimming. By then Liz had texted me to apologise for the delay.

I dived right into the pool. The water folded into my arms, sublime, drowning my memories – but not quite. The memory of Ben and the reality of my life now was way too clear. Stupid, stupid girl I was, letting myself be talked out of marrying Ben when I was eighteen, being convinced that hesitation would just mean delay. The idea that marrying the man I loved would be the answer to my dreams was so yesterday I nearly laughed. It was such an old fashioned notion to think that any other person had the power to fix your life, let alone a man, yet I felt I was being treated badly by my family because I had no one to stick up for me. Well then, I knew I'd have to stand tall and stand up for myself.

"_If he loves you, he will wait for you, it will all work out,"_ Elizabeth had assured me. I wouldn't have taken advice solely from her but my sisters had agreed. Somehow my Godmother and sisters convinced me that if Ben was more than a passing fantasy, our love would stay strong and survive distance. My father, of course, had shown his true feelings from the beginning.

"_Besides",_ my father had said, _"any happiness between you and the Wentworth boy is sure to be short lived because truly, what are his prospects? Don't you realize how hard it is not just to be accepted into pilot training but then to complete it?"_

"_Of course, he'd have to become an officer first,"_ Melissa interjected with a raised eyebrow, as if that was impossible.

My Godmother assured me if I could wait, so would he.

How wrong could they have been? I had not heard from Ben since the day I'd refused his proposal. Yet I still wore the plain gold band he'd enclosed with the note, around a fine chain on my neck. I always tucked it into my collars, though, so no one ever saw it.

Eleanor and the others had been so wrong. My hesitancy caused him to doubt my love. I had loved Ben more than words could say and here he was, returning home for the summer, an officer and a gentleman. He made the boys I'd met since look dull and average by comparison.

But no one forced me to do what I did. Not really.

Hadn't I thought, deep down, that I was unprepared to be someone's wife, to wholly belong to anyone until I belonged to myself?

"_You have no sense of your own power,"_ Jenny had told me once and she was right. All I'd felt, in relation to my family, was the lack of it.

But what was worse, I had no sense of self-worth, and I'd spent years searching for it. Doing good works for others, looking after other people's children might be a worthy occupation but how did it compare to having your own? And the only person I'd ever envisaged doing that with, was Ben. And now he was gone. And yes, I was still young but when you've lost the man you love all you feel is the distance of years spread out like an endless, empty road.

I had loved Ben with all my soul but I'd let him go. Now he was sure to be tied to another. In many ways, because of my hesitancy, I felt I'd deserved this half-world that was my life.

As I stood on the edge of the diving board, the higher one, the one I never climbed because heights scared me, I shivered. I could feel my hair dripping down my back. I lay down and closed my eyes. I rolled and felt almost light in the sun, faintly off balance, when a hand grabbed my elbow as I opened my eyes. I looked up, closer to the edge and saw Liz's face.

"Are you alright?" My sister asked me. Liz was standing on the steps peering over at me through dark sunglasses.

"Yes," I lied. "I was just getting some sun."

Liz shook her head.

"You were miles away, you looked like you were about to roll off the edge of the diving board, eyes closed. I know you are scared of standing up in high places but this is ridiculous. I was yelling at you to come down. It's not safe up here. The workmen are returning tomorrow to fix the slide. C'mon Jane, the new tenants will be here in twenty minutes, help me clear out the last of the boxes."

She offered me her hand and I took it. Women like my sister Elizabeth acted on instinct. They looked after themselves first, knowing that if they didn't, they might be left out in the cold. Women like Elizabeth would never become women like me.

If only I'd been that much of a realist, with an iron grip survival instinct. I wouldn't be the sort of person who almost fell off the edge of a diving board because her head was somewhere in the clouds.

I heard my Godmother arriving from next door. "Good news, Jane," She exclaimed. "I mean, that the beach house has been leased."

"Yes," I said hesitantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I know it has been your home for the last few years but you are always welcome to stay with me until you are… on your feet again."

"Thanks Eleanor," I replied with a smile. I knew my Godmother meant well, but I'd already promised both Liz and Melissa I'd stay with them. "I'm fine," I added as I walked back through the sitting room. Sarah Croft, our new tenant, had arrived. Her name didn't mean anything to me, but her face looked vaguely familiar.

"She's way famous," Liz whispered as she hurried downstairs. "She's on that soap, you know, the one that was filmed in Malibu with all of those glamorous people."

I couldn't resist a pause as I walked towards the doorway where Sarah stood, admiring the view. Sarah Croft was Ben's (now) married sister. Formerly Sarah Wentworth, she'd taken her husband's name.

She turned, looked up, smiled at me and said, "Hi, haven't we met before?"

"I ...knew your family," I stammered. Elizabeth looked surprised. I wanted to add, _"but we only met once over a family dinner as teenagers."_ I remembered how warm and welcoming the Wentworths were back then and the delicious food Mrs Wentworth had cooked. Instead, I said nothing. I'd been erased from Ben's life as easily as our maid removed dust from the window ledge I'd once crawled out of when I was three.

I shivered and pulled my sweater close. My hair was still wet.

"I knew I'd seen you before," Sarah said with a smile.

"I… I've seen you on television as well," I stumbled, sounding not much more than pathetic.

"Oh, that show," she said, dismissively, "I think being a mom suits me more than the world of show biz," she laughed as her young son came running into the room.

I smiled.

"Don't worry," she joked. "He's usually very well behaved," she added as she wandered through the hall to contain her son while her husband talked with Liz outside and signed the paperwork, taking possession of the keys.

"I knew your brother once," I said suddenly.

"Oh," she replied, then she smiled. "Oh, now I remember you coming over for dinner when my family lived in Los Angeles."

She paused, picked up Max and changed the subject. "Well, thank you so much for renting out your beautiful house. My husband… is working all summer on a movie and this place is exactly what I needed."

I paused, "Uh huh…"

"I felt overwhelmed with my acting schedule and I needed a vacation, just to be a mom. It's nice to have a break. But I never would have known about this place. My brother told me about it. Ben is so thoughtful like that. He read the notice online. Of course, we knew the town but not this particular area. Ben really is the kindest, best man I know, apart from my father and husband, of course."

I smiled. I knew of Ben's inherent kindness. It was a great attribute that I missed every day. I couldn't help but be mildly annoyed that Ben was inadvertently responsible for my current situation.

"I remember now, you were both childhood friends."

"We went to Hallowed Halls together."

"I missed all of that. I was away at college."

"Oh," was all I said.

Sarah clearly had no idea about the extent of our relationship. It was probably better that way.

She continued, "I left college to go into showbiz when I got that series at eighteen, so this is a chance for Ben and I to hang out together before he starts his pilot training programme, in Texas."

"Right," I nodded.

"We're having a bonfire party this weekend. You and your family must come. I'm sure Ben would love to see you."

Before I could reply my sister called out from beyond the porch.

"Jane!"

I went to leave then hesitated.

"I'll try to come. By the way, look after the house. It's my favorite place," I said softly, and then I walked outside to the car.

The weather had turned. I told myself as the young couple and their son took possession of _Kellynch _that I was glad to be returning to Bel Air, but it wasn't true.

**Chapter Twelve **

**Borrowed and Blue**

_Something old brings something new… _**Confessions of a** **Post-teenage Hermit **

Reeling, I spent that evening looking after Melissa's twins. Helping others is good therapy. Besides, I couldn't get out of it. When Melissa arrived home at midnight, she started complaining and hardly bothered to thank me as usual. I'll admit, I couldn't wait to get away from her. The babies had barely stopped crying for hours and I was exhausted. They had settled finally just before my sister returned.

"Aren't you going to stay and have some tea with me?" She asked innocently.

"I have to go home," I said. "Dad and Liz are expecting me for breakfast." Another lie.

It was not the longest drive from Venice Beach to Bel Air and there was very little traffic at midnight. Once again, the journey gave me time to think. I always did my best thinking on the road. I thought back to how Ben and I had parted - badly.

"_Are you sure this is what you want?"_

"_Yes, no, I mean, I have to take notice of my family. They only want what's best for both of us." _

The voices became less distant, a remembered conversation, that last time I'd seen Ben.

"_I don't understand, he said. I mean, I get it. You're refusing my offer. We've been through a lot. You lost your best friend but don't you think we deserve to be happy? Jenny would have wanted you to be happy." _

"_I only think we should wait."_

"_But why wait? You know I love you, you love me."_

"_I can't go against my family's wishes. My father has asked me to wait until I finish college. He thinks Missy made a mistake and doesn't believe in rushed marriages. It's hard… to go against him. He raised me."_

"_You mean, it would make life difficult if you don't do what he wants? What sort of father is he if he doesn't want you to be happy?"_

"_He does, he just wants me to wait. And my Godmother agrees and so do my sisters."_

"_Your sisters are jealous. As for your father, maybe he's right? Maybe we should wait until I have...more money, better connections – isn't that what he means?"_

"_I…I don't know, I mean..."_

"_Isn't that what you mean?"_

"_No. Of course not. You're putting words into my mouth."_

"_Oh, I know how this works. They make it hard for us, make us wait for a few years by which time you've finished college at which point a line of rich, inbred males with familiar surnames are paraded around before you so you can choose the right husband – one your father approves of."_

"_That's not it at all, you know there will never be anyone but you… we might only be young but you are the love of my life, Ben." _

"_I wish I could say the same but you are so easily…"_

"_What?"_

"_Persuaded. You don't seem to know your own mind. Perhaps it's better if we take this time apart while I go to college and you finish school and make it permanent..."_

"_What? What? No! I love you, I told you I just want to wait for you..."_

_As he turned from me he walked down the hallway and out into the brightness of day. I had the strangest feeling it would be a long time before I saw his face again. _

**Chapter Thirteen**

**Domestic Chaos**

_A castle in Bel Air full of hopes, dreams and financial scandal… _** Confessions of a Post-teenage Hermit**

By dinner time my Father was seated in his study, overlooking the infinity pool. From his floor length windows we had an entire view of the sweep of Los Angeles, hills in the distance, lights twinkling in the dark. It was an amazing sight, even welcome, I had to admit.

"A fighter pilot, did you say, Liz?"

"Not yet, Dad. He just graduated as an officer in the Air Force. He doesn't have his wings yet, but he will. His sister's family are renting the place."

"His sister? How thoughtful. Of course, it all sounds good but being a pilot is one of the more dangerous occupations in the world."

"Actually Dad," Liz added as if I wasn't in the room, "plane travel is safer than car."

My father shrugged as if to say _he_ didn't think so.

"Apparently his sister's husband is working in LA over the summer. Her show is on hiatus and with a small child and a baby on the way, he wanted to do something vacation wise with the family for the summer. Apparently money is no object as he didn't hesitate over the deposit…"

I listened to them talk on until it finally dawned on me after further questioning, that they were barely aware of my presence as I sat on the couch reading a magazine.

My father prided himself on his former career as a litigator until he became so rich from inheritances and investments that he'd given up practising but was busily reading the newspaper on the internet to keep abreast of all his old associates and their various crimes and cases. I'd woken for breakfast and was hovering in the hallway as Melissa arrived, depositing a baby in my arms.

"I've decided to come over for breakfast. Fred is at home with the other one. We had an argument."

"Oh," I said.

"Missy?" Dad asked gruffly, looking up from above his glasses.

"Hi Dad."

"Liz and I are so happy you've come to stay," he said unsmilingly. "All my daughters are here for breakfast. What a treat," he added.

It didn't take him long before he criticized me.

"Jane? You're looking pale and withdrawn. Haven't you been getting enough sun?"

"I've been teaching and not at the beach dad," I said with exasperation.

He could barely hide his distain.

"Ah, yes, teaching. When are you going to give me some more grandchildren? Elizabeth is simply devoted to her career, but you, Jane, I once had high hopes for you. Teaching is fine but Wentworths marry well or become lawyers, although the two are not mutually exclusive."

"Yes, dad," I said absently. I was barely listening as I poured my coffee but I knew agreeing was the easiest option.

Dad barely listened to me as usual but since we were both older now he paid me lip service. By "marrying well" my father meant marrying not just money but connections. I was fed up with his pathetic snobbery and wondered why I endured the weekly torture of family dinners. I had no choice now I was under his roof again as I had no savings of my own. I was beginning to consider my Godmother's offer of a loan. How else would I make my escape?

"Are you seeing anyone, Jane?" Melissa asked as she looked up from her fashion magazine whilst the new nanny took care of her baby. Melissa was dressed in designer clothes. Fred was on his team building exercise that weekend but Liz had confided to me, that he and Melissa were having "trouble."

So, here we were: this highly dysfunctional co-dependant family, attempting to "communicate."

I know, everyone deserves better, but they were mine. And I was theirs. It always bothered me deep down that I knew it was not possible to love and love weakly. That kind of love was not love, just need. I fulfilled some need in my sisters as they did me. As for my father, well, he was just plain difficult. Yet I grew up in a cocoon and was assured my parents and sisters were devoted to the family unit. Perhaps that was true, and there was love and loyalty, of a sort.

I had no influence in my own family. Having neither a suitable career – meaning, highly paid and prestigious – nor a suitable husband (meaning the same), meant my views were meaningless. In my family, love without money didn't rate. Some family, I know. Terrible value system, I know that also. Yet, they were mine. Even though we all sat in separate parts of the kitchen to eat breakfast (Dad was at the head of the table reading the newspaper), we shared a kind of love. If it's possible to love and love weakly, or maybe it was just familiarity mixed with loyalty. Yes, that's what my family were. They bickered and criticized in private, but publicly, we stood up for each other – mostly.

"Oh, Jane," Melissa said as she ate some toast, "put something decent on, you can go and choose anything you like from Elizabeth's closet; I'm sure she won't mind."

"In a moment, Melissa." I changed the subject, "I've gone over the accounts Dad," I said mildly.

"That wasn't necessary, Jane. Melissa already did it," he said as he turned to the legal section of his paper.

"Melissa's accountancy skills are one of the reasons we are in this mess…"

"There's no need to place blame, dear, we are all in this together…."

Melissa ignored our conversation and looked up from her toast again to ask, "Haven't you changed your clothes yet, Jane? I wish you'd stop boring us all with constant talk of money."

I cleared my throat and continued, "… as I was saying, if everyone tightens up a bit with their spending we mightn't have to sell the Bel Air house."

My father grunted as he spoke, "Jane, there is no way I'm selling this place. I haven't even contemplated it. I'd sell your car before I'd do that."

"Dad, you can't do that."

"Why not?"

"It's a rental."

"Oh," he replied unapologetically. "Well, never mind, you'll be able to buy one soon."

I shook my head as I finished my coffee and walked upstairs to do as I was told. I was searching through Liz's closet when I heard the gate from next door swing open and noticed Eleanor walking along the path that connected our houses. I'd forgotten Eleanor had been invited for brunch.

My Godmother lived in the vast estate that bordered ours and had decided to bring over a homemade dessert as a welcome gift for me. Even though Eleanor had been alone since her husband left, she had already remarried (and divorced again) and had no romantic inclinations towards my father whatsoever. She had a huge business fortune and a clothing line to oversee and those interests kept her busy. The fact that she and my father had never dated (nor ever would, as they were cousins), made their alliance even stronger. Basically, Eleanor had so much money from her first husband that she didn't ever envisage sharing it again with a new husband.

By the time Eleanor arrived at our door, I'd seen the news on my cell phone, an attachment about Ben that Keira had sent me. I'd run upstairs to read it, although Melissa was relieved I was seeking "a change of clothing."

I kicked my shoes off and flung myself on Elizabeth's bed to hide from my family and finish reading the article.

I couldn't express how I felt as I read the words, _returning home town hero._ Apparently, Ben had invented some kind of computer programme that could change the world of aviation. Some huge software company had bought it. This meant Ben wouldn't ever have to work again. I knew he'd never choose to take the easy path though. He'd always dreamed of being in the Air Force.

I flung my cell on the floor and myself on my sister's bed. Minutes later I heard a voice.

"Jane, what is it?" Eleanor asked.

**Chapter Fourteen**

**More Advice**

_There was something about my Godmother. Though she could be snobbish, she'd always believed in me, always been a friend to me. My Godmother thought I was worth the very best. Suddenly, I was having some issues with the bad advice I'd received years ago even though it had originated from the desire to do good… __**Confessions of a Post-teenage Hermit**_

Eleanor was standing at the foot of Elizabeth's bed, just as she used to do when I came home from school to an empty house after my Mom had gone to the East Coast.

"It's the new tenants at the Beach House. I'm worried."

"Oh, I'm sure the house is in good hands, Jane. You'll be able to have it back some day. You know I offered to give your father some money but he refuses to take it. I'm offering you the same, Jane. I would never see you want for anything. It could be a loan, but I'd rather it be a gift."

I dried my eyes.

"Thank you Eleanor, I know. But we could never accept it. My father got us into this and I'm trying to get us out. On paper, we've lost almost everything … except this… mansion. We're in so much debt. I've been going over the family accounts with our financial advisors. My sisters and father are about to get a wake-up call especially in relation to their unlimited credit cards."

Eleanor paused a moment.

"But that's not why you are crying, is it, Jane?"

I shook my head. Eleanor knew me far too well.

"No," I said.

"Why are you upset, dear?"

"The new tenant of _Kellynch _is Ben Wentworth's sister."

"_The_ Ben Wentworth? The boy you were almost engaged to?"

"Yes… the one I was advised not to marry…"

"Oh Jane, you can't blame your father for this…"

"If I remember correctly, he had some backing from you and Liz."

"Jane, as your Godmother, being here for you whilst your mother was absent, I would not have been doing my job if I hadn't advised you to break off that relationship…"

"As I recall, both you and dad didn't think he was good enough for me to hang with, let alone marry and… you were both so wrong."

Tears were welling up in my eyes again by then. Though I didn't want to hurt Eleanor it was obvious I'd carried these emotions for a long time. I was ready to burst at the seams. Since I rarely displayed my feelings or any anger towards my family, Eleanor looked shocked.

"Oh Jane … in case you hadn't noticed people who join the military are sent to war. He wanted to be a fighter pilot, if I recall correctly. The fact that he's invented some computer programme, that's just a fluke. I believed, I thought, you were not of the personality that could cope with waiting and hoping that a boy would show up for you again after months or years of active duty… His now being wealthy – well, that is just money and lack of it was never the problem from my perspective. I'm so sorry if you misread me."

"I would have waited. He graduated as an officer in the Air Force. He starts pilot training after summer. It's all he's ever wanted to be. He did everything he said he would do. And look," I pointed to the newspaper; "he has thrived and survived and graduated top of his class at the academy. Meanwhile I've grown pale and washed up and… unwanted."

"Oh Jane, that's not true. You are still as understated and beautiful as you ever were. Sure, you don't appear in fashion magazines like your sister, but outer beauty fades and is nothing to envy. You are only young. Don't be silly. Besides, did he ever write? Did he even call you?"

"No," I said, "but we did not part… well." I added, embarrassed to be making something out of what was clearly, nothing.

"Then how much could this teenage passion have actually meant to him? To encourage you to become engaged to a boy who was going away to train for years in a job where he may see active duty would have been wrong. You would have been throwing yourself away, waiting for him to return…"

"But I waited for him to return anyway, and now he is here and he's perfect and… both you and dad said he'd never amount to anything."

"But that is surely not the reason you rejected him…"

"I allowed myself to be persuaded and ever since I made that decision, I have lived to regret it. I have never met any man his equal. It's true I pushed and he… left but I didn't think my hesitation would be irrevocable. I didn't realize he would turn away from me so suddenly and cut off all contact."

Eleanor handed me a tissue. I wiped my tears again and sniffed.

"Anyway, he's probably married now or engaged. They mostly marry young in his family, also in this family," I rolled my eyes. "They marry young in the armed forces too and any sane girl would be proud to be an officer's wife."

"Oh Jane, you are the most level-headed girl I know."

My Godmother was trying to make me feel better. It was almost working. The feeling of sadness and regret had seeped into my bones. It had nothing to do with Ben's job, but his success in his chosen career just proved how wrong the people who supposedly loved me were.

How could I tell Eleanor about my current existence; that when I went to check my new schedule at The Beach Shack, I'd overheard the former _Socials_ (who still met up every week and were now married mothers), gossiping about me.

"_Oh, you know Jane Elliot was once part of our group. She used to hang with that hot pilot guy in the newspaper, Ben Wentworth. Jane was once a cheerleader and her sister was the head of the Socials that year… remember?_

"_Oh yeah, I remember. She let him slip through her fingers, though."_

"_I heard he dumped her for someone better looking."_

"_Or was that Serena?" _

"_Yes, Serena Collins. You know, she works as an International Flight Attendant, Who would have thought? She had zero ambition at school, still, waitress in the sky, whatever._

_Anyway, poor Jane, now she has no boyfriend, no prospects and she works in childcare when she's not waitressing, while we go out for manicures and facials," Someone sniggered._

_I pretended I couldn't hear them as I waited casually for my latte but the whole point of their conversation was that I could. _

_I turned around as I waited and one of them waved at me._

_I picked up my latte and left._

That was just my _recent_ humiliation.

My Godmother had been sitting in silence as I relayed the story.

"Well, Jane, those people are small minded and you can always come work with me, you wouldn't even have to see them."

"That's not the point, Eleanor. I like where I work but if that is what those people, my old school friends, are saying about me, imagine what Ben would think."

"I'm not sure, Jane, but I know men aren't as interested in marital status as women," Eleanor couldn't resist this quip. My Godmother picked up my cell and skimmed the headlines as I sat up and smoothed my clothes.

"I hear you, Eleanor, but he was perfect," was all I could say.

Eleanor was silent for a moment. When tears welled up in my eyes again, Eleanor hugged me.

"Oh Jane, no one is perfect."

"He was perfect for me. I know that now," I sobbed.

"Oh Jane," my Godmother tried to console me. "You know of all of your sisters you are the one with the gentle heart and the sweet disposition… and so intelligent and pretty on the outside as well. I just know the perfect man is out there for you."

"Yes and his name is Ben."

"Jane, in this day and age, you just have to get back out there."

At this point, my pale, unsmiling face mocked me from the mirror on the dressing table.

"I've been out there," I said. "And the real world of dating - it kind of sucks…"

"You just haven't met the right man, Jane."

By then I'd turned off. I knew my Godmother loved me as I loved her, but I didn't want to hear another cliché uttered from her lips. I knew she was trying to be helpful. Just like she'd once tried to be helpful before. Now, all I wanted was silence and no reason to ever see Ben again. In a large city like Los Angeles that was highly possible. Wentworth, however, was a tiny seaside town, and it was less likely. Besides, I'd promised Sarah I'd attend the beach bonfire.

"Jane, cheer up. Guess what? I brought an apple pie. Martha made it." Eleanor said, luring me to the kitchen with her smile. "You've become so thin, Jane, we need to fatten you up."

Martha was Eleanor's housekeeper. If Martha made it, I knew I should have a reason to put a smile on my face, so I did. I knew I was way too old to be feeling sorry for myself or the past. But I wondered. If hesitating in relation to Ben, rejecting him for all intents and purposes, hadn't been a mistake, wouldn't someone else have come into my life by now?

I washed up in the downstairs bathroom and put on some lipstick at Eleanor's urging. I felt like a little girl again in my father's house, trying desperately and perhaps hopelessly to impress. It was time for me to stand on my own two feet. Perhaps the financial crisis wasn't the worst thing that could happen to my family. I dared not say it out loud, but I didn't get much chance, in any case. Elizabeth and my father gossiped about all the social columns and how they "wouldn't be seen with so and so for love nor money." And on and on they went. Work was as good as any excuse, to leave. I grabbed my car keys, said goodbye to everyone and closed the door behind me as I left my father's house.

**Chapter Fifteen **

**Tall, Handsome, not a Stranger**

_I knew it was ridiculous, but I persisted in thinking about him. I thought of him on my way to The Beach Shack. I thought of him standing behind the counter. The thought of attending the bonfire party I'd been invited to with my family made my stomach churn. I kept re-reading the newspaper article and wondering, as I worked the morning shift serving coffee, if he'd changed… _**Confessions of a Post-teenage Hermit**

My cousin, Keira, had been trying to be an AMW (Actress, Model, Whatever) for about six years now. Keira assured me she was going to do an internet search on Ben after she'd refined her own dating profile.

**Pls don't,** I texted from behind the counter after I'd started to unwrap one of the fortune cookies on a glass jar on the counter. **Do not need any more info!**

I glanced at the cookie message:** Invitations to socialize are sure to be fun. Accept them! **Wow, that's original, I thought.

My cell buzzed with Keira's text, **Guess what – he's not married. **

**I know. He has a girlfriend - went to school with her.**

**Friend or foe?**

**Foe. I checked.**

**Oh,** was all I texted, though inside I was elated that he wasn't married. Of course, if you truly love someone, you are supposed to be happy for their happiness. It doesn't really work that way though.

I wiped the counter bench and took in the amazing view of the beach.

I couldn't believe how differently I now felt, in comparison to the way I'd been persuaded to feel when I was younger. Now, I'd never listen to anyone. I'd follow my heart without question. My Godmother was right about one thing, though. I needed to get over it. Start hanging with someone else. Start dating again.

I'd read somewhere that a writer has two choices: to obtain the perfection of a story or the perfection of a life. Neither was possible, of course, but obviously I'd chosen the former, since my life was clearly lacking in love, social connections and job satisfaction, according to everyone else. Besides, I wrote in my blog and I'm not sure I'd define myself as 'a writer' because of that. I wasn't happy, it's true, but happiness was a choice and I resolved myself to a kind of contentment. Combining working and blogging would not be a wasted summer.

Working at The Beach Shack was almost as good as summering in Wentworth; and summering in Wentworth was almost as good as living here. Far from the hustle and smog of Los Angeles, the small community had become my own over the commute of recent years.

Mornings at the café went quickly; there were all the usual joggers and housewives with children and pets. We had a lovely little porch outside where the animals were served treats. This pleased the owners almost as much as the pets. Sometimes parents I knew from school would come in. My students mostly said "hi" and looked excited to see me. Occasionally, they brought me cute little drawings they'd done that I could post on the wall behind the counter dedicated to "Miss Elliot." These children were also staying here for their summer vacation. We had that in common, for sure. Other people, like the girls I'd gone to school with, came and went with their families. I did my best to tune out when they smiled to my face and made casually cruel remarks behind my back.

The former _Socials _from my junior year, were the only people I wasn't particularly happy to see. They'd all married young, like Melissa, and moved to Wentworth with their husbands. Their husbands generally worked in Los Angeles during the week which left these 'ladies' to lunch together (generally at The Beach Shack – just my luck.)

On Monday morning, after a hectic weekend, they'd come in for their mother's meeting and to make pointed comments within earshot of me about "women who'd been left on the shelf." I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I knew for a fact that at least two of the women who pitied unmarried _"_college drop outs_"_ (like me), had husbands who were being investigated for financial crime and spousal abuse. The husbands of two of the other women regularly came into the café with their girlfriends in the evening when they knew their wives were at home.

Most women stayed in abusive relationships for the love of their children or money, or to "keep the family unit together;" but I had to wonder at the hypocrisy that surrounded my peers. What had happened to their dreams? I knew women were now being encouraged to get their men to "put a ring on it" earlier but the pressure to be part of a couple at any price was verging on ridiculous. There seemed to be no dignity in being alone in the eyes of the selfish people I met, yet I wondered how much self-respect people like Dana (ex-_Social_ and former friend of Serena's until Serena stole her twelfth grade boyfriend) really had. Dana's husband regularly appeared in the Wentworth gossip columns on the arms of other women.

It was mid-morning and after serving three breakfasts, I was revising a new blog post behind the counter when I looked up to hear my name being called.

"Jane! Jane!"

My younger cousins, Lia and Hailee, who were both in their first year at Fashion College, were dressed to the nines in head-to-toe designer clothing. It's true that they were trust fund bunnies but they also had good value systems and very sensible parents and it was impossible to resent them.

"Jane, when do you have your break?"

"Soon."

Lia and Hailee both stood in the morning sun looking like they'd just returned from a week in Hawaii (they had). I was used to them interrupting my work days, and glad of it since they were both fun. At eighteen and nineteen, they had none of my hesitation towards the adult human race in general.

"Oh Jane," Lia said in a loud voice. So loud in fact that the entire ex-_Social _mother's group looked up. "We've just been walking Georgie along the beach – he's outside…" Georgie was their Rottweiler, the opposite of his breed's reputation, a fierce protector but also a kitty cat with the ladies. His greatest trick was carrying tennis balls in his mouth – or trying to.

"I'll get him a drink," Hailee interrupted.

"Anyway, we practically ran into the guy on the front page of the paper this morning. Ben Wentworth… He's really hot," Lia added.

"It says he went to Hallowed Halls School so we figure you must know him…"

At this point the mothers' group swung around in their chairs almost simultaneously. I was pretty sure Dana hadn't forgotten, but I didn't want to make a big thing of it.

"Sure."

"Oh, Jane you never told us that."

"I knew him way back, you were both still in grade school...We were friends, it was nothing."

"Well, he's staying at the beach house. We saw him out walking with his nephew this morning, along the beach. We got talking and told him about this place so you should expect him to come by."

My cheeks went red. I was ashamed that I'd even considered the prospect that after all these years a connection still existed. I even seemed pathetic to myself.

"He's not married," Hailee added mischievously.

"Certainly a step up from high school boys," Lia added enthusiastically.

"And you know how cute he is," Hailee added as she came back to sit in front of the counter.

It was obvious my efforts to avoid him were going to be in vain. He seemed to be staying in Wentworth and according to Lia, who knew everything about our small community, was now a minor celebrity.

"Anyway, I got talking to his sister at the store and she mentioned that she'd invited us, the whole family, including you, Jane, to her bonfire party tonight. Apparently the decorations and catering are going to be quite extravagant because it's also a party to celebrate her brother's graduation from Officer Training School."

At this point, Tom Winchester entered the coffee shop. He looked like he'd been out for an early morning swim. He also looked hungry.

"I gotta go," I whispered to Hailee, reminded of the fortune cookie.

**Chapter Sixteen**

**Man in the Café**

_I picked up another fortune cookie from the pile in a bowl on the countertop. This is what it said: __**A tall handsome newcomer with links to the past is a sure thing**__.____I'd earmarked Tom Winchester for Liz and had resolved to play matchmaker. They shared the same good looks, the same questionable values - they were, without a doubt, a perfect match… _**Confessions of a Post-teenage Hermit**

After they left the room I went over to the new guy only to see up close, that it was Tom Winchester, who'd briefly dated Liz at school and still held a torch for her if his occasional emails and conversations with me were anything to go by.

"Good morning, Tom," I said in my happy waitress way.

He looked up at me and smiled. His looks had improved along with his personality over the years.

"Hi Jane," he replied, "I'd like coffee please and… an egg-white omelette, oh and maybe you could tell me the rules on how to get your sister Liz to become exclusive."

Obnoxious. Whatever.

When I took him over his plate, he explained he was helping a friend, a director at one of the studios, who was scouting for locations nearby. He asked me about the properties that dotted the coast. His friend needed to hire one, if possible, to shoot some location scenes.

"As you know, I grew up here," I said. "And this promenade is the best stretch of real estate in the area," I said wistfully. I had a sneaking suspicion he hadn't heard about the family finances.

"I have no idea why you work here, Jane. I'm sure your dad could have found you somewhere better. By the way, do you think Liz would know any good real estate agents in the area?"

"Well… actually, Liz finds properties for friends…"

He looked at me closely.

"Do you think I would qualify?" Tom had been in New York working as a stockbroker. I knew this because he'd always stayed in touch with both Liz and me. He'd told me on more than one occasion he was "so into" my sister. Too much information, Tom, but he wouldn't stop talking about her until I'd agreed to help them get together.

It was obvious how much he liked her.

"Okay," he replied. "Please ask Liz to call my office since I've tried to get her card before and she wouldn't give it to me."

I was kind of floored.

"Uh… okay," I smiled.

"Actually, Jane, I was hoping you'd help play matchmaker."

"I said I would and I meant it, Tom. You and Liz are made for each other."

He smiled. I wanted to add… _that's if you like vipers_, 'cos I was pretty sure Liz had had Tom's measure since high school. But then Liz always said, "Like attractslike."

Me? I'd always had this rule not to chase boys but it seemed all the social laws had changed in my absence from the dating game. I smiled and pocketed his card. I had an idea a surface friendship with Tom might actually prove useful in some way. He wasn't my type but let's face it, his obsession with finance would make him perfect for Liz and she could show him as many properties as he wanted.

I heard my cousins tittering as they came out of the bathroom where they'd changed from swimsuits into street clothes.

As I showed my cousins the door and promised to meet them for lunch and to go to the bonfire party (I couldn't believe I was considering this but it was better than putting off the inevitable), they too left an invitation for me on the counter and added smiley faces.

"Look at all the new talent in town this summer," Lia whispered.

I looked at her and paused.

"He's interested in Liz."

"Did he go to the same high school as you and Ben Wentworth?"

"Hailee, you gotta stop mentioning Ben. I haven't seen him in six years. It is highly unlikely he even remembers me, but, yes, Tom did go to the same high school; and you're right, I can't spend my life avoiding Ben. He's on my turf now."

"Oh, Jane, everyone remembers you… you're special."

I shrugged. Today I felt plain, bland and not very special. It was moments like this with my adorable cousins that were gold, and kept me in Wentworth where I belonged.

"Lia's right," Hailee added, "You are especially smart and very pretty… and kind inside which is the most important thing of all. See you at eight tonight, Jane."

"Okay."

I smiled at my younger cousins. I'd spent years babysitting them and our bond was close and true. They waved girlishly as they left the café and I wondered if I'd ever feel as light and happy as them again. Probably not, but then maybe I wasn't meant to. Maybe I'd grown up, a lot.

**Chapter Seventeen**

**That Night**

_As I drove over to my sister Melissa's house after work, I was filled with anticipation for the evening. It would be better to meet him again, on my terms, than to face him unexpectedly…_

**Confessions of a** **Post-teenage Hermit **

When I arrived at Melissa's house in Venice Beach, Melissa's husband, Fred, greeted me warmly.

He came outside to help me move the last of my boxes out of the trunk of my car. They'd been there for a day now and Melissa had promised to store them since my closet at Dad's was overflowing.

Fred was an average looking guy with an easy going personality and, I'll admit it, a kind heart. His family were loaded so he'd managed to avoid Dad's wrath, but beyond the family money, Fred was a normal and hardworking guy. Melissa admitted that everything "average" about him (apart from his earnings as director of a Gaming Startup), made things easier for her. His personal traits (humbleness and a lack of vanity) allowed Missy to act superior in every way.

In fact, I'd seen Melissa boss poor Fred around in a way that made me look away. He seemed to be under her spell, and worked every extra hour to please her. Nothing was too much trouble, though Melissa was never anything more than ungrateful. I wasn't surprised they were having problems. Ordering him to help me out, when he would have no doubt offered anyway, had less to do with helping me than once again asserting her authority.

"That's the last of the boxes, Jane," Fred said as he wiped his hands on his pockets after loading them into the store room at the back of the garage.

Fred had always had a soft spot for me, going so far as to ask me out before he had ever shown interest in Melissa. We'd gone out once, but instantly, we both knew we'd make better friends. My Godmother had been accurate in her assessment on that occasion stating, _"two natures as easy going as yours and Fred's would be a pathway to a bad match." _Eleanor then encouraged me to introduce Fred to Melissa, which I was pleased to do. It was ironic, of course, that instead of thanking me for finding her the man she would marry, she now looked down on me for having no one of my own; and she always seemed nervous about leaving the two of us alone together; as if anything would happen; ever.

"Melissa just has her nose out of joint because Fred liked you first," Eleanor assured me. I wasn't so sure.

"At least Fred's sincere," Melissa said. "I think he might just be the right man for me…" Melissa had commented at the time, "I've always thought you needed someone dashing and handsome, Jane, like a character from one of those stupid novels you read."

Melissa was in love with love; Melissa was ready to have children and Melissa thought Fred would make a good husband. Dad gave them his blessing, as if they needed it. Although Fred appeared both average and a little dull, his family were fiercely connected to one of the richest and most powerful in Beverly Hills. In other words, both he and Elizabeth approved of my sister's match.

Missy had reached the conclusion that Fred was perfect for her only one week before the scheduled wedding. During the rehearsal, Elizabeth, who was quite cynical about marriage kept Tom at a distance (even though he'd been interested in her since high school) but I remember seeing them holding hands and talking in a corner when everyone else was dancing. Elizabeth had been complaining to me that we stood out that day in our relatively unfashionable dresses, "like the unpicked fruiton the cherry tree._" _I laughed, but it was true. Liz was still mortified that Melissa had insisted on putting us in what she described as, "bridesmaid's dresses designed tomake us look like the ugly stepsisters."

"Never mind Liz," I agreed. "It's Melissa's questionable right as the bride to ensure she looks better than everyone else."

Liz refused to pose for the photographs until I persuaded her that it was Missy's big day and there was no point in ruining it. My sisters clashed with each other even more than they did with me.

That night, Fred had taken my belongings and locked them in Missy's storage cabinet with his usual good grace.

"You know you can always come and stay with us… anytime. Not just for the week," Fred said. "You are a sister to me, Jane. We'd love to have you."

"Thanks Fred," I smiled.

I was glad I'd decided to attend the bonfire party with my family. In a way I'd save face with Ben, show him the past meant nothing to me, either. It wouldn't be easy to avoid running into him at some point in Wentworth if he was staying all summer. Better to be the one controlling the conditions under which we met.

I sat on the couch as Liz complained about her life while her toddler kept trying to chew her designer shoe. Earlier that morning, my father had tried to convince me to "give up the waitress job" and go to work with Elizabeth. "When the finances are free from the sale, you could enrol in night school… get an education."

That was how I learnt what I'd already suspected. After summer, they intended to sell Kellynch. The Crofts would move out and the high season would be over. A sale after the immediate cash of high season, would be the answer to everyone's problems – except mine.

"I already have part of a college education father," I reminded him, in a rare moment of speaking up for myself, "and I got good grades, remember?"

I had spoken back to Dad as a child and been greeted by the back of his hand on one occasion, but time heals most things, except that I knew his nature and it hadn't changed.

As my sister got up to dress for the party, she pulled the shoe off my nephew, Max, a little too fast and he started crying, toppling over in an instant onto his child sized truck which ran over his foot. Melissa was hushing him as she re-applied her lipstick and ran to get her coat.

As she cleaned the child up in the bathroom and re-applied her lipstick she called out to me, "You know he's with someone, don't you?"

"Who?"

"That guy you used to like, the one who rented _Kellynch_ along with his sister; Ben Wentworth."

"I didn't know his name was on the lease."

"Oh, it was, he enquired about the place in the first instance, as it turns out."

"Great," I replied, meaning _not so great_.

"Of course, we didn't even remember who he was, he's changed a lot. He had a girlfriend with him. At first I didn't recognise her then it turns out she used to go to school with us. I could barely remember her or Ben for that matter but they both remembered you and Liz. Anyway, now Serena works for a big international airline."

"Wow," I said.

"Really? Is that all you have to say?" Melissa was concerned she hadn't had the emotional response she expected from me.

By then, I was in the process of leaving, to go outside and wait for my cousins who were due to arrive at any moment. I'd shut the door quietly behind me. Of course I was upset but it was inevitable he'd be with someone. Men like Ben would not need to be alone for long, but Serena Collins? Had he lost his mind?

Whilst Fred waited patiently outside, he'd allowed the other twin to climb the tree that overlooked the front porch. The child was actually climbing down the trunk as his foot became stuck. Then, as Harry moved to his father's arms, he fell on his head and scraped both his face and knee in the short fall to the ground.

I cradled Harry as he screamed all the way home from the paediatricians who pronounced him fine except for a slight shock. Melissa was told to "keep a close eye on him all night."

The party wasn't due to start until nine and Melissa had a miserable look on her face as we arrived back in Venice Beach and settled Max and Harry in bed. She was still dressed in her finest designer clothes and ready to party.

"Melissa darling," Fred said, "we should stay with him."

"Both of us? Stay home?" Melissa asked incredulously after checking little Harry's head and noting that he slept soundly.

Melissa spoke softly as she shut the door to the nursery. "Are you kidding, Fred? I've been at home all day – you try it. I cannot believe you were stupid enough not to keep a proper eye on the children…"

"But Missy, I've cancelled the babysitter and you gave the nanny the night off."

My sister's voice was ringing in my ears… and an image of Ben's face was etched in my mind. Perhaps it was just an excuse to avoid him, I'm not really sure, but suddenly I had an idea.

"It's alright Missy, I'll stay with the boys tonight. I have your contact details."

"Oh, no, Jane …" my brother-in-law said. "We would never impose on you…"

"Oh, Jane loves children. It's no imposition, Fred. Jane has far better childcare qualifications than any babysitter. Are you sure, Jane?" Melissa asked.

"Yes," I replied. "You go, Melissa, It'll be fine."

"Well, you have the most experience at looking after children really, of anyone. I'm sure the twins are safer in your care. I feel almost useless in this situation and probably would be better off out of it," Melissa added.

After they'd left, I sat on the sofa and turned on the television.

I'd avoided almost every social occasion in recent years. There was always a good reason, and this one was the best. The truth was, I never thought I'd see Ben again. And now, I didn't want to.

I got off the couch and turned up the baby monitor as I made myself some hot chocolate. A part of me was overwhelmed by my sister's self-centredness (but I was used to it). Always, as the girl without a boyfriend, I was left out, devalued and discarded socially and by my family. But secretly, I was glad about tonight. If I had any say in the matter, I'd never have to see Ben Wentworth again.

**Chapter Eighteen**

**Surprise**

_I'd fallen asleep on the couch in the twins' room, convincing myself I'd missed nothing… _** Confessions of a** **Post-teenage Hermit **

The next day at work, I was writing on the countertop before the morning rush hour began when the door to the café swung open. Light beamed upon me as Lia and Hailee walked in with the sun.

"We missed you so much last night, Jane," Hailee said, "we brought the party here this morning."

The sun was in my eyes, but two older guys, handsome and tall stood behind my cousins in the morning light. The darker haired man was Harley Wentworth. From a distance both of the brothers looked similar. Harley smiled and walked right over.

"I told him it was you. Jane Elliot?"

I nodded.

"We missed you last night. Ben and I graduated Officer Training School together."

"Congratulations," I said, feeling extremely stupid, as if I didn't already know.

Ben hovered in the background in beach clothes and dark sunglasses, looking singularly unimpressed. I shuddered inside behind the counter but kept up my tepid smile. It was early and no other customers had arrived.

"We'll have a table overlooking the ocean," Lia said.

"Okay."

"And you must sit and have breakfast with us, Jane."

"I… cant."

I looked around. Keira wouldn't be here for another half hour, but there were only two customers.

"I… sort of have to work," I said. Ben was busily texting someone as I led the group to the best table, the one with a panoramic view of the ocean.

"Congratulations on graduating," I said to Ben.

"Well, I always said I would," he said dismissively, as if it was no big deal to have been accepted into flight training.

Deep down, I felt as if Ben must have tagged along with Harley merely to witness my humiliation as a college drop out with a minimum wage job.

As I handed out the menus, my cousins were full of garrulous chatter about their fashion design course. Ben and I did not speak a word. He just checked his cell and listened as Harley and my cousins talked.

The Wentworths and my cousins had obviously become friendly during the bonfire party and they insisted on me joining them for coffee during my break. They ordered every kind of breakfast on the menu keeping the cook busy, but I just sat between Lia and Hailee as I ate some toast. There was really nowhere for me to escape to, unless I quit my job and why do that when Ben had already humiliated me? The damage was done. So what if he'd shown up and acted like he barely knew me. This whole embarrassing situation was so typical of my life.

"It's such a pity you couldn't come last night, Jane." Hailee said as she finished her orange juice.

"Honestly, if I had a sister like Melissa, I don't know what I'd do," Lia added.

"Me either," Ben agreed sarcastically as he finished his coffee.

"You can talk, not only is Sarah the most glamorous actress but your sister gives the most fantastic housewarming parties, Ben."

"Thank you," he said, quietly.

Ben's blonde hair and blue eyes shone in the morning sun, making him look like the older brother to my cousins who were also fair headed and continued to chatter about making him a man model in one of their fashion shows. It was then that he started to laugh and ordered another coffee for everyone.

"I'm not surprised you're taken, Ben," Hailee said garrulously. "Your job sounds so exciting. You and Harley should totally hang with me and Lia while you're in town. We know all the best clubs."

Hailee obviously didn't know anything about Ben and me, which was probably a blessing.

"I'm sorry to disappoint you guys, but the only person who ever managed to talk me into clubbing is on her way to Singapore as we speak. Serena's pretty forgiving even though distance makes it difficult to maintain a relationship."

"Guess you just have to find the right person to make it work," I interrupted.

"What sort of qualities do you look for in a girlfriend?" Hailee asked mischievously.

It was pretty obvious his words were loaded as he paused, then spoke again.

"My only requirement in a girlfriend is a woman who knows her own mind. A girl who's easily swayed by friends or family is not the right person for me. I can't be bothered dealing with someone who is timid and won't speak out or stand up for themselves. It's just too much trouble to be worth the effort in the long run."

Hailee nodded, no one had ever accused her of being timid, that's for sure.

"Oh, come on Ben, you would never have to make an effort to get a date," Lia added, smiling at me. I really should have mentioned Ben to my cousins. This whole embarrassing scenario could have been diffused before it started.

I jumped up as a customer walked in, a good excuse to leave the table. At the same moment Lia reached over to get some bread, knocking the coffee pot into my lap. Thankfully, the liquid had cooled somewhat.

"Oh, Jane. I'm so sorry."

"It's nothing, Lia," I said, quickly. I got up to get a cloth from the kitchen and when I returned Ben had left.

My cousins came back later to take me to lunch.

Hailee was sitting at the table, texting, loyally waiting for me. I'd dried my jeans off as much as possible, earlier, under the hand dryer. Keira had long since arrived and the entire café was humming along as if nothing had changed except a song. Keira raised her eyebrows when she heard the brothers had visited. There was no obvious rift in the seams of the structure holding the foundations of the building together, like there was inside me.

"Wow, I told you he's Mr Handsome. What did you think?" Hailee grinned as she looked over at me. Keira was busy serving a customer. After my shift was officially over, my cousins and I had planned to meet up with my sisters.

"Oh, you mean Ben?"

"Of course," Hailee replied.

"He's cute," I said quietly.

"I didn't know you knew him?"

"I did," I replied as I gathered my belongings and swung my sweater over my shoulders, hesitant to tell Hailee anything that might end up on the web the next day.

A sea breeze came in through the window as I reached over and pulled the shutters. So far, it had been a cooler summer than usual.

"You know, at first I thought he was one of the nicest guys I'd ever met but he wasn't very nice about you just a minute ago."

'Really?" I asked, unsurprised.

Hailee swung her sandaled feet off the chair and stood up in one long sweep. She fluffed her summer dress and pinched her cheeks and reapplied her gloss as she spoke.

"Do you know what he said after you left, Jane?"

"I'm not sure I want to," I answered under my breath, but Hailee was like a train, she'd never stop moving forward unless she was forced to.

He said, "I can't believe it's been just a few years since I last saw Jane. We went to school together, you know. She is so different I'd have hardly recognised her."

I went white and picked up my purse. It was obvious Ben hadn't meant "different" in a good way. His observation wasn't a compliment. I walked outside to get some fresh sea air with my cousins. I'd been desperate for a deep breath for at least ten minutes.

Hailee was by my side instantly.

"Oh, Jane. What did I say?"

"Nothing Hailee, I just need to breathe after being inside all morning."

"Oh, well, I'm not sure how close he is to that flight attendant, Serena. She _was_ on her way to Singapore. So, not too close. Hey, Harley just texted. He invited us all to go sailing and you're coming too…"

I was fairly sure this would be a bad idea.

"That's probably not going to happen, Hailee. Ben and I were together a long time ago but we're not friends anymore."

"Well, he must be back here for a reason, Jane. I think he's returned home to see you," Lia chimed in.

"Really? He must have been wildly impressed," I joked, "Next time, warn me when he's coming."

"Oh Jane, I can see why you must have liked him," Lia added.

"Mmm," I replied.

"If anything he must have grown better looking with the years," Hailee said in her dreamy way.

I smiled. I'd forgotten how it felt to be a teenager. As I gazed towards the beach, I noticed a set of keys lying on the boardwalk. Harley must have dropped them when he left. My cell buzzed. It was Sarah asking if I could drop by and try the piano now that it had been tuned. **Okay**, I texted. I'd drop the keys off as well. There was no getting out of this, besides, I liked Sarah. Once upon a time, we might even have been sisters.

**Chapter Nineteen **

**Unexpected Interlude**

_I flung my sweater in the back seat of my old car, enjoying the adrenalin of the ride but not the thought of the destination. Los Angeles had always been a sea of concrete freeways to me, a place to become lost in…_

**Confessions of a** **Post-teenage Hermit **

I walked up the familiar steps of _Kellynch_ as Sam came bounding out.

"Hello Jane," he said, in a very grown up way.

"Hi Sam," I replied with a smile.

"You're pretty. I like your dress," he added. What a charmer.

'Thank you," I replied. "I made it myself."

I'd made more than the usual effort this afternoon. The child came up to me, took my hand and led me into my familiar sitting room, overlooking the ocean.

Sarah Croft entered the room. I apologised for missing her bonfire night and she said she understood. I handed her the spare set of keys.

"Thanks. Sam, tell Jane what you've been doing."

"I'm just getting to that part," he said with slight exasperation from having had his thunder stolen. I smiled. I'd been shown to a seat on a newly installed cream sofa. It was very luxurious – new luxury, not old.

"I've been learning to swim," Sam said.

"Wow," I said, "that's great. I practised swimming here. So did your Uncle Ben."

"I remember Ben telling me," Sarah said with the warmest smile. "I heard about your sister's child. Is he okay?"

"He's fine. Oh, thanks for offering to take care of the piano."

"How can you bear to part with it?"

"I'm afraid I don't really have a choice," I said. "To move it in the sea air would take an expert and I don't want to risk damaging it."

"Well, I don't play at all but I love to hear the sound of a piano. Would you like some tea or coffee, a hot chocolate?"

I knew it would seem rude to refuse but being back in my old house was like being back at high school - after I'd left. There were ghosts in the hallways.

"Hot chocolate, please."

Sarah excused herself and I spoke to her from the lounge room as Sam played with his trucks on the floor. I placed my hands over the keyboard.

"There is nowhere else to store such a magnificent instrument," I said under my breath, "that wouldn't entail it being damaged. You are doing me a huge favor really, keeping it here," I said loudly, as Sarah was in the kitchen.

"We'll keep it safe. I love baby grands." Sarah continued. "I used to work in the theatre, I was a dancer, I'm sure my brother told you."

"No, but I saw Ben this morning. My cousins brought him into the coffee shop where I work."

"Oh," Sarah said as if she knew more but didn't want to speak. "Of course, I know you guys dated but Ben's not really that verbal about his relationships."

I changed the subject, glancing at the piano.

"I loved to play as a child but I've barely touched the keys for years," Sarah called out from the kitchen.

Ben's sister returned with the drinks; her child was happily drawing at his play table, quietly. This was pretty impressive by anyone's standards. A quiet, happy, occupied toddler was definitely a rare accomplishment.

"I don't suppose you'd play me something before you leave?"

"Um… I took a sip of my drink… I don't think, well, everyone is used to electronic keyboards now."

"Please?" the little boy looked up at me.

"Okay," I nodded.

I played something unexpected, a nursery rhyme with a few extra trills. It was a tune that Sam instantly recognized.

Sarah smiled.

"Did Mozart really compose _Twinkle Twinkle Little Star _when he was six?"

"I'm not sure," I replied.

Then a voice spoke over the top of me…

"Mozart supposedly composed variations of that nursery rhyme, when he was around six years old."

"Wow, Uncle Ben! You're smart."

"Well, reports vary. You can google it."

Sam jumped up, grabbed his soccer ball and proceeded to drag Ben into the front garden with him.

I stopped playing almost instantly.

"Thank you for the drink, Sarah, but I have to go."

Sarah looked slightly disappointed.

"Really? Please, come by again. I love it here but there is no one else my age to talk to. I don't know anyone in this town but my brother thought it might be the perfect spot to vacation during the summer while my husband's at the studios. So far, so good, but I miss my friends from New York."

"Wentworth is a lovely town," I said reflectively.

"My brother has good taste," she said.

I smiled and picked up my bag, then hurried down the steps.

"Jane … We're all going sailing at the Pier tomorrow. I invited your cousins and both of your sisters. Won't you join us?"

"I… I… I'm working the early shift but I… I'll try… " I couldn't think of a good excuse to say an outright no.

Ben had pretty much ignored me by then and although his sister appeared to be making an effort on his part, he'd had ample opportunity to speak to me directly and had clearly decided not to. What was his problem? He just 'unexpectedly' arrived at Kellynch? Stalking me much? Then I remembered he never could have guessed I'd be here. Now, I was on _his_ turf.

**Chapter Twenty**

**Sailing**

_My sisters were determined to go; my cousins were already on their way. There was really no way I could get out of going sailing... even though it was truly obvious Ben wanted nothing to do with me.__Besides, why would I let him steal my cousins and stalk me out of town?... _**Confessions of a Post-teenage Hermit **

Melissa sat on the couch at my father's house, covered in baby items: clothes, diapers, cream, bottles and a rattle, waiting for the afternoon nanny to arrive.

"Hey Missy, I've rarely seen you so hands on," I said sarcastically as I arrived home.

"Here, take him," my sister said, handing me the baby. "I have to change. I just finished feeding him before you arrived and he promptly threw up all over my new top. I'm coming sailing with you. Word spreads quickly by text."

I washed my hands and took the baby who gurgled and instantly sucked on my finger. Sitting on the side of the couch I prepared myself for my sister's diatribe.

"I cannot believe the afternoon nanny is this late!"

"We could always go to Farmer's Markets instead and just take him with us… "

"Are you insane? I've pumped enough milk to stay out of this place for at least three hours and we are getting out of here and going sailing, like I said we would. Besides, I'm not going home to Venice Beach until Fred apologizes and I'm fed up with staring at these walls."

Fred had forgotten their wedding anniversary and Melissa was mortified. I listened to her complain for the twenty minutes it took her to get ready and hand me a new top to wear, more because she didn't want to be embarrassed in public than because she actually wanted me to look good.

Finally, we were ready. The nanny arrived, the sleeping baby was kissed and we loaded up the car and took off to the marina with a quick stop at Wentworth's Farmers' Markets.

We were an hour early and Melissa was starving. I was hoping she'd forget all about sailing if she was side tracked at the Farmers' Markets near the Wentworth Marina. Eleanor and Liz were meeting us there. I drove. I loved driving to this part of California. The Marina and the markets were lovely. I drove right on the speed limit which went against my usually withdrawn personality. I was excited about lunch and the loud stereo drowned out Melissa's nasal voice.

"I'm looking forward to eating," Melissa said, above the whirr of the engine. "Feeding babies makes you so hungry and the good news is, you don't put on any more weight."

These were the gems of advice my younger sister supplied me with and I supposed one day I'd be grateful for them.

"Yes," I replied. I particularly liked the hot turkey sandwiches they sold at the Farmers Markets for lunch. That was exactly what I looked forward to as Melissa giggled and proceeded to tell me how thrilling it all was to be out of the house and "back in the outside world."

"Of course, my husband and children are everything to me. I don't know how you can go through your life without them," she added, as if I had a choice but no hope of ever finding a man of my own.

Realistically, she was right. There was only a chance you'd meet _the one_ in this life or that person wouldn't be _the one_. Maybe there were twos, threes, sixes, eights and beyond. I knew, for some people, there were.

Melissa continued, "Even if you joined every dating site on the planet, in the end, unless you wanted to sleep around indefinitely, men still seem to have the upper hand. Percentage wise, there are more straight, available females than straight, available, eligible males, once you get beyond a certain age. Of course, you haven't reached that age, yet, but who knows?"

"Thanks Missy. Thanks for your great advice. Considering you've been married since you were eighteen, your insights are really valuable," I said sarcastically.

"Well, I've been doing some online research – for you."

"Thanks Melissa."

Perhaps Missy was right, although her criticisms of my choices always made her questionable ones seem more valid.

I'd had one choice when it came to Ben, years ago, when I was unready to make it. Back then, I hadn't seen through my family for the uncaring and ungenerous people they were. Even my sisters had treated me a lot worse the past few years when they both seemed to have the upper hand with daddy.

Dad thought Liz was everything he would have wished a son to be - ruthless and driven, in a much prettier package. Their closeness was claustrophobic, I thought, as I ate my turkey roll once we'd parked and found a table at our favorite cafe. I wasn't jealous. I was just lost. Melissa snapped me out of my silence.

"I heard all about that handsome Air Force officer you used to date in high school, Jane. You never told me about him."

The fact that Melissa had sought out my company on this occasion was unusual. I should have known she wanted extra gossip to relay to Liz.

"Uh, huh," I said, checking my cell for messages.

"Well?"

"You were younger and I was away at school, so there seemed no point in discussing it."

"Well, Eleanor seemed to know all about him. I hate the way you and Liz always leave me out of everything. You two are so close!"

"As if. If you must know, I'm over it," I lied.

"Good, because I think Lia likes him…"

"Really? What makes you say that?"

"Oh, she was asking if you guys were close…"

I bristled but said nothing. Of course, it would be natural for him to like Lia. Everyone liked my cousins.

"Oh Jane, you have to keep trying to meet someone or else how will you ever have a family of your own? Sure, you could go to a clinic…"

"What? I'm really over this, Melissa. Your obsession with my romantic life is a joke. Maybe you should take care of your own. I'm in my twenties, not one hundred and nine and the discussion regarding my desire to marry and have children is over!"

Both of my sisters and my father (to tell the truth) made me want to catch the first flight out of LA for good. I think I would have by now if I'd kept enough savings to buy a ticket.

"Oh Jane, there is no need to get upset. I'm just trying to help." Melissa stuffed her face with chips from my plate as she finished her lunch. "I really needed that."

There was silence for a moment as we waited for everyone else to arrive.

"Keira is having a party for Lia and Hailee's birthday next month. No excuses, I promise to keep my children safe. Besides, I already accepted the invitation for you."

My younger sister prattled on like a teenager as I mentally did the sums and tried to work out when I'd have enough money to rent a place of my own again.

Melissa checked her text, "Now, I have to be home at six, but that gives us a good few hours, Jane, let's go. Everyone is meeting us at the jetty." Liz had been working and taken the afternoon off also, at Melissa's insistence. It was easier to do that when you directed the family company. My cousins texted me to let me know everyone was already there, including Ben and Harley.

"I don't know…" I hesitated. I tried to think of an excuse.

"Oh well, we needn't go," Melissa paused.

"Mmm…"

"Are you kidding? I've hardly been out of the house all week – I have at least two unused bathing suits in my purse. We can go swimming on Worth Island. C'mon," my sister literally dragged me from the table.

"I'm doing the evening shift, remember. I changed it all around so we could go to lunch but I'm not sure when we'll be back…"

"Jane, you're the best sister in the world but it's time you stopped being such a stick in the mud. Live a little."

"Whatever," I said. Liz waved at me in the distance. Harley and Ben were talking to Lia and Hailee. I noticed Lia was leaning in close to Ben and giggling. Melissa was probably right. They were made for each other. I could care less; I was so over these so-called coincidences.

"I don't know, Liz. I think I might just get going. I just realized I have to get to work earlier than I thought."

Melissa spun around, "Are you nuts, Jane? They have an amazing yacht!"

"I could care less," I said.

Big deal, I thought, men with money didn't exactly equal a good value system as far as I knew. Just look at my father, an obvious example. I pulled on my sunglasses and plastered a smile on my face as we walked towards the boat. There was safety in numbers, for sure.

**Chapter Twenty-one**

**The Marina**

_The atmosphere was as icy as the ocean and I had no idea why I'd been snowballed into this one… _**Confessions of a Post-teenage Hermit**

Ben stood at the pier looking extremely hot up close. His brother Harley also looked pretty cool.

As luck would have it, a few of the women, ex-_Socials_ from the mothers' group at the café, were going for their morning power walk. They nearly pushed their toddler buggies into us as my cousins waved hello and Ben and Harley smiled. I couldn't help but notice Ben was far more welcoming to my sisters than me, whom he still chose to more or less ignore. Two could play that game.

I was embarrassed that the Wentworth brothers had seen me humiliated in my low-paying job. They must have heard those girls I'd gone to high school with talking about me like no one had wanted me enough to marry me – as if _that _was the high point of success with the divorce rate heading towards fifty percent! I wandered what people like Missy and the ex-_Socials_ had to be so smug about as they looked back and waved at Harley and Ben.

If I was supposed to be "getting over Ben," spending the afternoon in his company was probably a bad start.

There he stood, waiting for us at the pier; or were we just an excuse for the Wentworth brothers to hang with my cousins?

The boat was huge, so big in fact that Liz had even invited Tom Winchester. Apparently they wanted to view some real estate from the coast line. It was like a Hallowed Halls reunion on the high seas. All we needed was Serena and Dana. Serena was somewhere near Singapore by now and Dana was on the opposite side of the marina, thankfully.

"Good to see you again, Jane," Harley said. Ben ignored me and smiled at my cousin Lia and then started showing Hailee how the boat worked.

If Ben and I were ever meant to be, _that_ was in the past. Our so-called "love affair" was some _serious_ ancient history. Get over it, I told myself. Now, I thought, snap your fingers, you are over it.

"Are you coming Jane?" Melissa shouted over to me as I lagged behind, buying a bottle of water.

"Sure," I said, pretending to act cool even though my father had long since sold his boat as part of our intra-family funding drive (it was the one possession he'd agreed to part with since he preferred tennis to sailing these days anyway). I just pretended going sailing in Wentworth on a beautiful boat at the pier, was the most normal thing on the planet.

Harley gave me a very friendly smile as I stepped onto the gangplank.

"It's great to see you again, Jane."

I looked at him, "… um, good to see you too."

"All the time we were posted overseas, Ben dreamt of going sailing here, at home…"

Ben was chatting amiably with my sisters, portside. Harley and I stood on the opposite side, talking to me.

"I didn't know the cousins were coming," Melissa whispered.

"Well, I didn't ask them," Liz replied.

"I included them," Ben said, smiling. "It was their idea in the first place."

"Of course," Melissa said, hiding her true feelings. "What a great idea."

I raised my eyebrow, embarrassed at Liz's transparency. The garrulousness and natural beauty of our younger cousins had always irritated Liz and Melissa, since it took the focus off them. I, on the other hand, liked it. But perhaps allowing them to take centre stage hadn't been the wisest idea. After all, they hardly needed "extra light shined on them to get noticed," as my Godmother, Eleanor, once said. I think Eleanor thought they made me seem plain and dull by comparison, but I didn't care. I loved my cousins, they were warm and funny. They included me and made me laugh.

The girls made a huge production of going swimming once we reached the small island about half an hour from the marina.

Hailee stepped gingerly over the edge and Ben held out his hand politely.

"Catch me! Lia said to Ben as he turned around and my cousin jumped from the edge of the boat to the sand in double quick time.

I remembered Lia doing that when she was about eight when she took ballet and gymnastics classes.

I looked over at Lia; my outgoing younger cousin was swift and fast and she landed on her feet with ease. Harley moved forward but Ben got there first. Lia's hand grabbed his and she seemed to linger closely to his chest. He laughed it off as she giggled.

I sighed as I rolled up my jeans and scrunched my hair in a loose bun. I'd applied some gloss and made an effort to look beachier than I felt.

As I walked along the gangplank, Ben just glanced up at me disinterestedly, as if to silently say, _you're next,_ then he turned his back on me to continue talking with Lia. I stepped onto the boat myself; being careful not to slip in the water puddle that Lia had created.

Harley waited expectantly on the other side. Obviously, there was no getting out of this without appearing rude and offending him.

We all jumped into the sheltered lagoon. I wore a swimsuit of Melissa's previously unworn and discarded but although it covered my curves it also accentuated them. Let's just say, it was the first time Ben truly looked at me all day. Whatever. The water was warm and restorative. My cousins were making good use of the rope swing hanging from a branch.

They were still diving in when I got out to dry off. Lying in the sun behind a tree on my striped beach towel, I overheard Hailee, who had been pushed aside by Melissa and was standing closest to me, say, "Honestly, sometimes I wish Jane had married poor Fred…"

Ben looked at her in disbelief.

"Jane?" He said my name as if he couldn't believe anyone else would have ever wanted to marry me.

'Shh," Hailee whispered.

"Oh yes," Lia said, "he asked Jane first but she was busy with college and not really into him. Besides, her Godmother talked her out of it."

I could hear their conversation through the splashes, even as I stood to drag on my shoes.

"Her Godmother?" Ben asked.

"Yes, Jane takes all of her advice."

I imagined Ben inwardly cringing before Sam, Ben's nephew ran over to me and Sarah flopped on the edge of my towel in the sun.

"You know," she said, "this is the most beautiful place on earth; I don't know how my brothers can stand to leave it."

"I agree," I said as we scooped up Sam and our belongings and trundled back to the sailing boat.

Shore could not come quickly enough, though everyone on board was busy _oohing and ahhing_ over the scenery along the coast.

Meanwhile, Ben unravelled some rope. I'm sure it hadn't occurred to him that I'd paid any attention to his conversation with my cousin. He kept his back turned on me rudely as I stepped off the bow of the boat directly into a pool of sea water; I slid onto the floor of the jetty. As I tried to get up, I hit my knee hard, and gashed it so deeply; it looked like I might need stitches.

"Are you okay?" Lia said, rushing over. She brought the first-aid kit and wrapped up my leg with a bandage.

For a second, I'd blacked out.

"I'm fine," I said.

I looked up to see Ben's handsome face looming over me. His palm cradled my head, momentarily. His expression changed from one of concern to a complete lack of interest in seconds as he placed my head back on the ground once I appeared conscious and unhurt, at least on the surface.

"Yes," I said, dazed.

Then, before I knew it, Ben scooped me up in his arms and carried me towards the table and chairs outside the café that formed part of the marina. He told everyone he'd wait with me. I rubbed my head but felt fine.

I couldn't believe Ben wanted to be alone with me. Then, as I listened to the conversation that followed, I realized, he didn't. This was just an excuse to get rid of me. Ben and I sat on a bench like strangers in silence.

"I'm really fine. It's a slight graze on my knee, it's nothing."

"You should probably get your head checked and not jolt around on a boat. I'll come with you, if you want," he offered reluctantly.

"It's okay. My Godmother just texted, she's coming to meet me," I interrupted. Bad news travels fast. Hailee must have tipped her off.

"Uh, okay," he said, and then we said nothing for a few minutes. During that time, Ben turned and looked into my eyes as if he wanted to say something then he thought better of it and got up to buy us both some water from the store. The next ten minutes passed in stony silence as we sipped. Then I decided to speak up.

"The truth is, Ben, I didn't plan on coming sailing with you and Harley. I kind of got talked into it."

"I can imagine that."

I ignored his insinuation that I couldn't make up my own mind.

"What happened between us remains…"

"I know…" Ben looked at me coldly, "unforgiven."

"That wasn't what I…"

He looked up, wishing to change the subject, "Here's your Godmother." Ben went to open the car door as Eleanor pulled over. I turned around.

"Make sure you get your head checked out properly… what's your street again?"

"I'm staying in Bel Air for a while… with my father. It's not necessary for you to open the door…"

He interrupted me, frowning, "But you dislike living in that part of Los Angeles. I remember that from years ago."

"I've changed," I lied, I longed for the bliss of the water views here in Wentworth. "I think it suits me better than it did… before," I turned around and got into the cab, blood rising in my cheeks, determined that this would be the last time I'd speak to Ben alone.

He was so over me; it was obvious he'd just returned to pay me back for calling off our stupid teenage engagement years ago, and I didn't blame him. Even though he'd recently acted like a tool, a man like him – good, handsome, tall, rich, kind, brave and humble hearted, could have anyone he wanted, _deserved _anyone he wanted.

I'd treated him badly and I probably deserved to be treated dismissively now. Let's face it; my family had been ignorant snobs and I'd just been plain wrong. There were no words to describe my bitter regret at our having parted so long ago, but I didn't need any further humiliation.

There was no point in prolonging his torment. He acted like spending ten minutes by my side was worse than drinking poison. Nevertheless, Ben closed the door for me. As he did this, his fingers lingered on my own for a moment. I pulled my hand away as the door slammed behind me.

My Godmother greeted me warmly in the car after peering at Ben. He lingered beyond the window as the blood in my cheeks started to rise and the car moved forward.

**Chapter Twenty-two **

**Freedom**

_It was so clear to me now. He'd returned to let me know how little he'd missed me. This truth betrayed another fact – he must have thought of me, at least once…_** Confessions of a** **Post-teenage Hermit **

That evening, my Godmother and I were seated on the swaying chairs on her front porch. We were drinking freshly squeezed juices after returning from the medical centre where I'd had my knee plastered to the tune of, "no permanent damage, unless you count a hard to see scar," I was told brightly. I did.

"Perhaps you've got it all wrong. It is possible to misinterpret things, Jane. Clearly, I did, once." My Godmother reminded me, "Jealousy is an affliction most people suffer from, men just as much as women, believe it or not. Don't try to read too much into Ben Wentworth's behavior. I think he's still hurt from the past, which means you must have meant more to him than he's prepared to reveal. But I've said it before, I'll say it again, you need to move on," my Godmother told me as she patted my hand and we sat together drinking freshly squeezed orange juice.

I wished I'd been strong enough in my teens to go against my father's and Eleanor Russell's wishes. I wished I'd simply followed my heart but hadn't Ben's recent behavior betrayed a point of conflict between us? I'd tried so hard to forget him, yet his memory wouldn't fade and his re-entry into my life had shaken me.

My Godmother and I had dinner together that night after my sisters arrived home raving about what great sailors the Wentworth brothers were. Then Hailee and Keira checked their dating sites and tried to get me involved in one as well. I had tried this game before and it wasn't for me, I was adamant. Even so, I fielded Keira's messages because she'd asked me to and I have to admit, it was quite an education. When I got bored with categorizing the messages into _must reads_, _don't bothers_, and _read with caution_, I prepared for Vacation Day at Wentworth Elementary.

The school held these informal catch up sessions over summer – one off day camps where kids who weren't going away could spend a day hanging out doing plays and drama and sporting activities.

This was held twice a month and I usually volunteered to help out if I was in Wentworth. No problem this year. Tomorrow night, I'd also promised Keira I'd go to hear her sing in a club near the shore.

My cousin Keira had had a pretty crazy life thus far, trying to make it as a MAW: Model / Actress / Whatever - with every other person in _La La Land_. After a _squillion _auditions she'd been hired to sing in a small bar at night called the Mermaid Hut for the rest of summer.

I was happy that the friendship between us was still strong. Let's face it; Keira was more like a sister to me than my own. No matter what was going on in her life, Keira never forgot to call me on my birthday and always sent a gift. These were small but important gestures that I always returned.

Eleanor and I finished a dress I'd been working on to wear to Keira's club debut. It was blue and summery like the sky and I'd drafted the pattern in the latest style, long at the hem but scalloped to the knees around the front. I hugged Eleanor after we'd finished the fitting. The dress was just right. We had dinner together before I returned home. That night, I slept restlessly, tossing and turning and thinking about Ben and his real reason for being back in town.

The next morning, I dressed early.

Melissa was still staying with us, even though she'd been home twice since she arrived. Now, both the twins and her nanny were also here. The toddlers dodged my feet as I tried to find my way out of the Bel Air house. The manicured gardens were surprisingly quiet although I heard the rustle through the breeze as my Dad and Liz chattered in the distance over drinks about all of the important clients who were coming for dinner. My former teacher, Lilly Clay, had also been invited. I realized, just as Eleanor predicted, my father had started seeing her. I hoped this situation would run its course without any input from me. Meanwhile, my father barked orders as I walked by.

"I hope you intend to put on something decent tonight, Jane."

"Yes, Dad. I wouldn't want to wear anything but my best to support Keira."

"Keira?" He asked puzzled.

"Yes, I'm going to see her show tonight," I said, breezing past him. It was weird. I'd felt lighter within and surer of my step, ever since Ben had come back into my world, even if I couldn't sleep. Nevertheless, I wondered if a shelter would have been a better bet than my father's house and my sister's indifference.

"Where are you going now?"

"It's Vacation Care Day at Wentworth Elementary, dad. I told you, I'm meeting Keira afterwards."

My father raised his woolly eyebrows. He had no right to ask, really, but I played along. A part of me wanted to shock dad (easily done) and say, "to meet up with my secret boyfriend and continue with our clandestine relationship," but we had no real closeness so it was barely worth my humor. Instead, I added dutifully, "I have the costumes finished for the Day Play and there are also meetings with a couple of teachers and parents about next semester. Then, after I go to hear Keira sing, I'm spending the night with my cousins in Wentworth."

"With your bulimic cousin?" he asked.

"Keira's not bulimic, dad. She had depression and she's getting help. Her therapist said it was partly brought on by family pressures…"

"Well, that's not what Serena Collins told me," Liz added judgementally. I'd forgotten they were friends. I was truly beginning to feel like Cinderella so I ignored my family's derisive comments adding, "Okay, so, see ya."

My father looked at me in disbelief.

"You mean, you'd give up an important dinner with your family to go and socialize with a bunch of bulimics and losers in Wentworth?" My father looked shocked.

I responded with equal outrage, "If you're talking about Keira again, she's not bulimic, she's hardly a loserand she's your niece, dad."

Let's just say my father wasn't very fond of his younger brother (my uncle). They were never close but were even less friendly now that my uncle had begun to earn more than my father. My uncle also managed to do it with a better attitude. As a result of this disconnect, daddy now disregarded his "flippant" nieces in retaliation. Dad had behaved a lot worse towards his brother since the financial collapse. Just goes to show, you never really know a person's true character until things go badly for them.

"Just wait a moment, Jane. I was hoping you'd be here tonight. I'd like all of my daughters at home."

I stood my ground.

"Well, dad, you should have told me in advance because I'm not cancelling out on Keira."

Elizabeth shrugged, continuing to finish her newspaper puzzle with the twins squirming around her feet, whilst Melissa started to giggle as she handed some unfolded baby clothes to the nanny who had already unpacked some puzzles in the upstairs nursery. They lay in wait to "keep the children quiet" at my father's request. Honestly, if Dad hadn't been so wealthy (and everyone still thought he was), I think his influence would have faded by now.

"I know why Jane wants to go to Wentworth…" Liz said mischievously.

I could never expect my younger cousins to keep a secret.

"Jane's former fiancée is back in town… turns out it's his sister renting the beach house…" Melissa added.

"I told you both, I have to go to school and help out!" I was exasperated. "You might all be interested to know I've moved on. I'm even enrolling in college next semester, if my scholarship comes through."

"At the fashion school, with your cousins?" My father asked, unimpressed.

"Not necessarily. There is more than one campus and although the fashion course is partially online, I could transfer if I decide to finish my education degree."

My father shrugged.

"Oh, Jane," Liz said, "you know what happened last time. Perhaps you're not really the college type."

"That's true Jane, and you shouldn't let Ben Wentworth make you feel inferior just because he's a high achiever now..." Melissa continued.

"You can talk! He was always a high achiever as you put it, and so was I!"

"Ben Wentworth?" My father added. "Isn't he the loser we all talked you out of marrying years ago?"

I was both breathless and speechless at my father's relentless impropriety. Finally, I'd had enough. I just could not get out of the door without saying what I thought – finally.

"Dad, you know _nothing_ about him. He's now an officer in the Air Force and soon he'll commence training to be a fighter pilot."

"Oh yes, daddy, he's practically a war hero and a _pilot_," Melissa said excitedly, as if she were sixteen instead of in her twenties.

My father just grunted, "very dangerous job…" and shook his head.

He was right of course. I didn't want to admit that. But even if Ben and I were still together I could never talk him out of doing what he loved most. I had no right to do that. I knew now, I could not hope to control my own life, let alone his.

Arguing with Dad was both exhausting and pointless. I stopped in my tracks, gathered my pretty pink summer cardigan from the back of a summer chair, (it would go well with my new dress), and slammed the front gate behind me after I left.

Driving along the freeways in the afternoon light was liberating. I had been swimming laps that morning, early, in my father's swimming pool (another extravagance he could not afford). Although the exercise kept me sane, driving totally cleared my head. The roads were pure escapism. The only place I never drove to now was Wentworth Canyon. I'd never returned there since Jenny was killed and I was pretty sure no one else that was with me that night had either. I'd never, never go back there. That was one of the few truths I was sure of.

**Chapter Twenty-three**

**School Days Again**

_Wentworth Elementary was bustling with stay-at-home students and adults. It had the atmosphere of a theme park – fun with rules… __**Confessions of a Post-teenage Hermit**_

I'd brushed my hair until it shone in the car mirror and exchanged my flats for heels. Looking my best was a priority, since I was giving a speech to the parents on creativity in the classroom, but I could never drive in heels. I unwound my lipstick and put it on in the rear view mirror. For once I was glad my sister had insisted on stuffing make-up in my purse, "just in case." I know my sister wanted me to meet a new guy, and I had to agree that would probably be best. I certainly wouldn't meet one here, but it was good practise to start looking my best in any situation. Besides, my students deserved me to look the part. It was about setting an example, making the best of myself, according to Melissa. My sisters and Godmother had been influential but it was time to start counting on myself.

Although I don't think I'd ever fulfilled the "promise of being a great beauty" I was satisfied I looked presentable. I once overheard my father agree with my sister Melissa when she shook her head and said, "if only Jane had a bit more… designer style. I mean, the clothes she makes are lovely, but I only ever see her in jeans…"

"Yes," my father nodded at her, actually nodded.

Here, on my turf, I was my own person with my own style.

It was only as an adult, after I'd lost Ben that I'd realized I was surrounded by a family of hornets in the nest of a Bel Air mansion. Why had it taken me until then? It wasn't as if my mom hadn't run a mile. But then, she had not set the greatest example either, although from visits over the years, I knew she loved me and vice versa. Perhaps I should have gone to stay with her but she had long since remarried and had a whole new family and although we stayed in touch we hardly shared secrets. It was time to embrace the future. It had been, for a while.

I walked past the student murals in the hallway to my color coded classroom. The children were getting their faces painted for the play. I put on an apron and helped out. There were twelve students and their parents or guardians scheduled to arrive and be part of the audience which was often made up of the kids in my class who didn't stay away all summer. They liked familiarity. I was talking to them alongside the teacher, a kind, older woman named Sophia Hawthorne.

George arrived with his mother, who looked harassed. He had brought extra face paints with him. Most of these parents were incredibly hard working and thankful for the extra effort taken with their children. It was truly a privilege to work with Special Needs students. I'm sure they taught me more than I ever taught them. They taught me to enjoy the small pleasures, to place no value on class or status or money. Like Toby, for example, who took great care searching the pictures and paintings for things I'd never notice, like intense colour and light; he'd present his pictures to me like they were Picassos!

My students taught me it was no effort to take extra care because every child is special and capable of more. By the time I'd fielded a last minute call from Toby's mom (who told me her child couldn't come as he was "completely wired" after "attacking" and "eating" a packet of chocolate cookies his older brother had left open in the Lounge room - Toby was allergic to sugar), it was almost time to start getting the students ready.

Sophia made us some tea after the children were taken backstage and readied to perform with their music teacher (not before one of them had knocked a bucket of water over on the floor as they left). I couldn't believe the janitor had left it there but I guess he had his reasons.

I was in the process of cleaning up the puddle with paper towels and real towels when I looked up to see Ben's nephew standing in the doorway

"Hi Jane…" he said.

"Hi," Ben said, standing behind him, filling the doorway with his baritone voice.

"Hi," I replied.

"My sister was called into the studios and I don't have to be in Texas for another few days so I thought I'd come. I was told it was two in the afternoon. We still have twenty minutes."

"Oh. Yeah. Texas?"

"Pilot training."

"Oh," I said.

"My sister had a meeting with her agent and Sam's father had to work so we thought we'd come together."

Sam beamed up at his uncle.

"Great," I said sarcastically.

"Where's Mrs Hawkins?" The kid said.

"Oh, she's with our group, preparing them to go onstage. That's where I should be going, right about now." I got up off the floor and brushed off my skirt.

"Before we go, my sister wants to know… about Sam's reading progress."

I glanced at the chart.

"Well, he's on level eight which is great for a pre-schooler. Amazing." I looked at Sam. "It means you can choose anything on the red shelf and just bring it back when school starts again in September."

Sam smiled and ran off to the library corner to start choosing his vacation reading.

Meanwhile, Ben and I stood there; hovering at the classroom entrance until Sam dragged Ben into the color coded area and pulled him onto the beanbag.

"Oh, um, we have a chair and desk," I smiled.

"That's okay, I like it here."

I hesitated. "Well, my group is performing soon so…" Ben got up.

There was more silence in the room from the moment Sam chose some holiday reading. Sophia arrived and ushered him with her.

"I'm coming… We're coming in a moment."

"Okay," she smiled at Ben.

I didn't know which way to look or what to say so I just stood there, and gathered my bag when Ben cleared his throat.

"How's Keira?"

"She's fine."

"How's Harley?"

"Not so good."

I looked up, betraying an expression of concern.

"He… never really got over Jenny and I'm kind of worried about him."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that."

"That's another reason we decided to take the summer and hang out here, as a family. This is the place we were happiest." He paused and continued to discuss his brother, "He never really moved on from what happened."

I was open-mouthed.

"That's so… sad." I added. "I think about her all the time too, but I know it's different for him." I said softly. Then I paused again before I spoke, "And yet, Harley is still young and I know Jenny would have wanted him to be happy."

"First love and all that," he looked away. "I don't know if people totally get over something like that…"

"No…" I ventured slowly, "… but Harley is still young and surely, he will meet someone else."

Ben paused for a moment before answering.

"Perhaps, but he is very loyal, a quality I most admire in a person."

Well, that was setting me straight. I looked at him squarely. It was way too obvious he was not just talking _to_ me, but _about_ me. I was speechless once again as Sophia Hawthorne gracefully returned to her classroom, popped her head in the door and I stood up.

"Are you coming Jane? They're almost ready."

"Yes," I assured her.

Ben flashed Sophia a smile. He was very charming when he wanted to be.

As I went to leave he touched my arm.

"Jane, I wanted to ask you something. We're going to dinner tonight after we hear Keira sing at the café and you… and your cousin are welcome to join us. Some place called the Mermaid Hut. Please come, we're arriving at eight. Lia is coming as well."

I knew it. If he wanted to see my cousins again, all he had to do was ask. Didn't he think that encroaching on my territory was enough humiliation for one night?

"Um… I'm already going. Keira is singing, so, well, I guess I'll see you there."

Then I remembered it was his birthday. I couldn't think of an excuse to say no.

"We're going to drown our sorrows after dinner..."

_Our sorrows?_ I wondered what he meant by that.

"Well, I don't really drink but…"

"Maybe we could talk?"

Silence sat between us for seconds.

I looked up at Ben. "Sure, see you then," I said, as I walked out the door.

**Chapter Twenty-four **

**Mermaids and Margaritas**

_My glamorous cousin was ready to rock and roll, glitter on her eyes, preparing to impress the world, or at least the audience… _**Confessions of a Post-teenage Hermit **

I arrived at Keira's place at six that evening. The performance at the school had been memorable but I didn't stay to talk with Ben after. Enough was enough.

Keira was warming up her voice, working on her scales when I opened the door.

"I got it!" Keira said.

"What did you get?"

"The new commercial for, wait for it - Caramel Crunchy breakfast cereal! Things are looking up. I auditioned last week. It's a speaking part! I get to play the older sister and the manager said I can have a spot every Friday night singing at the Mermaid Hut if tonight goes okay!"

"That's great, Keira," I replied.

"And the best thing is, there is a top record producer scheduled to come and see me next Friday. So, I texted Lia and Hailee and they're coming too. I also texted Ben and Harley, I hope you don't mind."

'Of course not. That's great." I said. "Wow."

Keira continued, "I think I actually get treated with more respect working as a singer than I ever did working as a personal shopper. But I don't mind managing the café and let's face it, commercials are pretty lucrative…"

In a way, I was in awe of her enthusiasm.

"Now, I still have a 'virtual shopper' client on call. It's his wedding anniversary tonight; so, if I have to excuse myself to go to the bathroom, do not be alarmed. I promised he could run the seating plan by me. Honestly, it's time I got out of the virtual shopping industry. The husbands get so needy. Soon they find it hard to do anything by themselves," she giggled, "who knew this would become so lucrative: helping out the helpless husbands of Beverly Hills!"

I laughed.

Keira was like light relief compared with my own family. She'd been trying to run her own business and recently work had started to pick up. As Keira put it, "in this world, you have to create your own perfect job."

"Tell me all about it," I said. "I'm thinking of finishing my degree, going to online fashion school…"

"Well, I think that's great. Just remember everything we've learned from being in minimum wage jobs, they don't teach you in college!"

Keira was funny and smart, and she had a point. A college education would not necessarily lead me to happiness. Happiness was earned in different ways for different people. And some people didn't even appear to earn it.

'So, tell me about Ben being back in town?"

"He brought Harley with him as you know, and I think they both like your sisters."

"Really?"

"Well, unlike Ben, who clearly got over me a long time ago - and is paying some serious attention to Lia if you hadn't noticed - Harley still hasn't really moved on from the past."

"Pining is a bad thing… he needs to get over Jenny." Keira knew the whole sad story.

"Jenny's gone, Keira. That's a hard thing to get over."

"Even so, she would have wanted her friends to lead extraordinary lives and by that, I don't mean you have to be rich and famous. Just to be happy in the internet age is some kind of accomplishment. All we have around us is envy and people telling us from their websites we're not good enough. You know I am so over those girls from school who only post the pictures that make them look so delusionally self-satisfied," Keira said, dragging my hand.

"I told you to stop looking at that old _Social _website…"

"You should just read what the _Princesses_ are up to…" Keira had gone to The High School For Young Ladies for a whole semester.

"I have some idea…"

"Anyway, we both have the wow factor, since there's sure to be some hot guys tonight for you to meet," Keira said as she checked her outfit in the hallway mirror. "Rock n' roll," she added as she turned down the music, and we shut the door behind us as we left.

The Mermaid Hut was a club that had been opened only recently. It was a few streets back from the café and lit up the night with extra lights through the trees. There was an area where the lights were low but the music was also, another for serving coffee and soda to under-age customers and yet another where people could just talk. There was an area where local twenty-one year olds could dance until dawn. The stage was in the middle of the dining area; that's where we headed.

"Okay, so it's a bit like 'dinner theatre' for twenty-one year olds, but it's a start," Keira said.

I took a table on the side as Keira got ready.

Tom Winchester arrived first. He wasn't with Liz but he said she'd be arriving soon. Obviously, Keira had invited the whole family. For once, Melissa had opted to stay at home with her children. Tom bought me a drink which I gratefully accepted. Tom, it must be said, had improved with age and responsibility, and I smiled at him, happy to be in his company.

I knew he was only being nice to me to impress Liz, but it was kind of endearing. We were pressed close together talking (the music was loud) when Ben arrived with Harley following close by. Ben looked at us and his face fell. Good, I thought, let him think Tom and I are having a moment (not likely).

The music played. Harley and a blonde vixen named Serena Collins along with her frenemy, Dana, arrived with a flourish. I was momentarily stunned.

_You have to be kidding_, I thought. _How could he_? He knew I really disliked those two, even at school. Besides, Ben said Serena was in Singapore. I smiled tepidly at Tom as we waited for Liz and the intruders looked over.

One partitioned section had tables with old-fashioned telephones linked to other tables, to connect. It was known as "fast dating." A stranger called, you got to chat for a few minutes before a voice spoke over the line and asked if you both wanted to connect in real life. It was all kind of cute and funny, but it didn't seem very funny tonight. I was glad Ben had seen me and Tom talking. He'd never know Tom was with Liz and I got to save what was left of my fragile self-esteem.

Meanwhile, Serena the flight attendant was looking tall, thin and glamorous. She had poker straightened her hair and wore the highest heels imaginable.

I cringed inwardly. Would I stay and talk or run and hide? I stayed to hear Keira sing and I noticed Ben being monopolised by Serena until he took her arm and they went to a corner to chat. Why had they come? Keira was my cousin and I had every right to be here but I didn't expect this.

I wondered how much more I could take as I resolved to stay and face the music, literally. After Keira's opening song finished, something truly frustrating happened. As Tom leaned over to whisper something in my ear and I laughed, unexpectedly, Harley glanced over at us. He made a move to walk over through the crowd but Ben gestured for him to stay. Serena took Ben's arm, stared over at me as if we'd never met and in the moments I took to look away and glance back, the group who were supposed to be meeting us left to go to the upstairs eatery. Typical, I thought, he's still trying to pay me back.

**Chapter Twenty-five**

**Talking the Talk**

_I'd flung myself on my cousin-the-singer's bed that night, exasperated. Apart from her amazing singing, the whole evening had been a disaster of epic proportions. Truly… _** Confessions of a Post-teenage Hermit**

The next day at work, I felt so drained; I'd barely had any sleep. I was determined to put Ben Wentworth's name out of my head – forever. Iwas busy typing out my newest blog post in between wiping tables and serving customers when he actually had the hide to walk into my café looking like a freaking movie star.

Ben sat at the counter, alone. I was so surprised after the previous night I nearly fainted. He looked hung over.

This was it. I was ready for him and not ready to take any more. He could just stop rubbing his success and his happiness in my face; it was getting a little old.

"Can I help you?" I asked.

"I'd like a coffee, Jane."

"Sobering up are we, after last night's little excesses? I saw you with a drink in one hand and Serena Collins in the other. I hope the Air Force tests you every time you fly."

Ben looked at me and sighed, "First drink in weeks, Jane."

"I guess you had good reason to celebrate."

"What?"

"Serena? The woman you were with. You must have known I wasn't expecting to see her again."

"It was a surprise."

"Oh," was all I said.

"Not a welcome one," he added.

I barely heard him. I started to make coffee. "I guess you'll be wanting extra milk. I've heard it's good for hangovers."

"Sure," he said smoothly.

I poured the lukewarm milk over his head and dumped the sugar in his lap.

"I… can't believe you just did that!"

"And I can't believe you came back here just to witness my humiliation and throw Serena Collins in my face!"

"I don't know what you mean," he said, wiping his jeans and face with the napkins, "I came back here for... I had no idea she was back in town. She wanted to surprise me on my birthday. But I wanted to see… my favorite Elliot girl again…"

He'd nearly let it slip. It was so obvious he liked Lia. I couldn't blame him but did he have to throw _that_ in my face too? "Oh, it's not just _that_ it's everything! Me here… alone, my family, you with the last laugh, you were practically implicit in throwing me out of my summer house…"

"The place was up for rent! Someone would have rented it, if not my sister."

"Yes and I'd prefer it if that someone were anyone but your family…. That house has been with my family… "

"Oh, you mean your spoilt sisters and a father who let me know that in no uncertain terms years ago what he thought of me and _my_ family! I thought I was doing you a favor!"

"A favor? It was the kind of favor I could do without!"

By this point every customer in the shop had stopped eating and was looking at me like I was not a very nice person. And who knows, in the years I'd missed him, unspoken to anyone but Eleanor and only in these past few days, maybe I had become a different person. Certainly a girl – a woman – who dared to speak her mind, not just to her family but also to the man she loved.

"Oh, please, women don't give up on someone even after all hope is gone! It's men who are quick to forget, who can't even be bothered putting up a fight…"

I couldn't believe what I'd just said. I mean… to make matters even worse, I added, "look at you, you've flaunted a different cousin in front of me every day for two weeks. They have no idea what you meant to me. I don't know what you expect…"

"From you? Very little, but I have as much right to be here as you do. Remember, this town is named after _my_ relatives. I know that kind of thing is important to you and your family!"

"Don't talk to me any more about my family."

"They were… integral, weren't they? To our happiness?" he said bitterly.

"You mean our unhappiness," I said under my breath.

"You're so different, Jane. So outspoken, so forthright... Perhaps you know your own mind at last."

At this point Lia and Harley flung open the door in their sweat pants. It was obvious they'd been jogging along the beach front. Ben must have walked over first up to speak to me, alone.

Lia grabbed Ben's arm and dragged him with her, "quick, you have to come and see, someone's made a sand sculpture of a castle outside…"

I looked away.

"Hi Jane," Lia said, oblivious to our argument. "Are we still all meeting to go shopping after work today?"

"Yes," I smiled, lowering my voice.

Lia had not only interrupted my first argument with Ben but she had also diffused it, as she dragged Ben breathlessly into the morning air. He didn't look back. He would be eternally grateful to be rid of me once he'd left for flight training in Texas. Harley had told me he was going next week. We'd never have to see each other again after that and he'd be able to ignore my 'confrontational mood' for the rest of his life.

Ten minutes after they'd gone, the shop was empty. The customers had left. There was quiet for the first time all morning. That's when I heard a piercing scream and was reminded of Jenny's voice and that terrible moment in Wentworth Canyon, six years ago.

**Chapter Twenty-six**

**History Never Repeats**

_The waves created an echo, the sound of screaming, like a round of singing that was harsh and out of tune… __**Confessions of a Post-teenage Hermit**_

At this point, Hailee came rushing into The Beach Shack, hugging her puppy to her chest, a leash wrapped around her wrist. She hovered at the door before she walked forward.

"Help, come quick! It's Lia, she's fallen off the pier; Ben dived in after her but we need to get help."

It was so early there was hardly anyone outside and no one on the beach. I spun around, and grabbed a first-aid box behind the counter. I was no expert but because I worked with small children I'd had to keep my first-aid certificate up to date.

"Hailee, dial 911," I grabbed the kit and ran down to the beach with my sister Liz trailing behind me. The beach was deserted at this hour on an uncharacteristically chilly summer morning and there were no lifeguards in sight.

I slid on my knees in the sand next to Ben who had dragged Lia from the ocean and was doing his best to resuscitate her.

He looked at me, devastated, "I… I think she was trying to impress me. She crawled onto the rail and yelled out. Her hand slipped and she fell."

"Help me," I said, "quickly."

We took turns performing CPR.

He did as I asked. Ben had also been through this process in the military.

I cleared Lia's mouth with my hand again before we took turns doing rapid chest compressions. She was breathing but it was the gash on her head that bothered me. It was a miracle Ben had managed to retrieve her from the water. Ben looked almost as pale as Lia. I hadn't forgotten he probably hadn't had any sleep last night.

"It's not what you think," he said between breaths, "I broke up with Serena, she had someone else anyway. I was never interested in her."

"It doesn't matter now. Just let's stay together with this until the paramedics arrive."

Suddenly Lia began turning blue.

I showed Ben the exact spot where my hands met between Lia's ribs and told him to press hard…

"It's alright, I remember," Ben said, gratefully.

"Did you remember to check her throat?"

He cleared her airway again and breathed air into her mouth. We took it in turns to press and breathe and did our best to maintain the rhythm that kept my cousin alive until the paramedics came and did the rest.

Hailee raced to our side with Liz and Tom after calling her parents. I rolled onto my back as the paramedics lifted Lia; Ben sat up and put his face into his arms.

After twenty minutes of that, there were no words; we were exhausted. We just prayed we'd done enough to save my cousin.

I looked at him.

"What was she doing out here with you?"

"She just jumped up to sit on the fence. Then she stood up and tried to balance on the ledge. She was telling me some stupid joke on the spur of the moment; she was laughing. It was crazy. I shouldn't have encouraged her."

"You can't blame yourself, Ben. She likes you. It's obvious." _Who wouldn't?_ I thought.

Ben looked at me like I was an alien.

"I think she's going to be okay. She was breathing when they loaded her onto the stretcher. C'mon…"

Ben looked at me intently trying to understand something, the moment we'd just shared.

"You… you didn't behave like that when we were together."

It was a slow and steady love, I wanted to say. The best and one that has never ended, I thought.

Instead, I got up and brushed the sand off my jeans.

"C'mon, I said, we need to get going. They're taking her to Wentworth Central."

An hour later we learnt Lia would pull through, she was awake and okay. It had been a long hour and Ben never left my side.

"The CPR helped to save her life," I heard the nurse tell Ben who told Harley he'd never have managed it without me.

"Jane was the best person to call for help. She is the most stable and the quickest thinking person in a crisis that I've ever known."

High praise indeed.

I was just glad that my cousin was alive and the expression of relief on Ben's face was palpable. I'd fallen asleep beside Lia's bed and my sisters had taken me home. Melissa had even arrived after the children were in bed to pat my hand and tell me how great I was in a crisis. It was as if she was actually proud of me.

I was slumped in the front seat with a seatbelt wound tightly around me when Liz drove us home. Melissa snoozed in the back seat and we could hear her snoring during the drive to Bel Air. As we pulled into our driveway, even my father was waiting up to see us.

"Dad wouldn't go to sleep until he knew Lia was safe and you were home. He loves you, you know, he just expects more of you than the rest of us."

I shrugged.

"You know, Ben didn't leave Lia's room all night…"

"He must really like her," I told Liz sleepily.

"Are you sure, Jane? I've never thought the best of him when I could think the worst, yet I've never seen a man more devoted to you."

I was speechless.

**Chapter Twenty-seven**

**Say Yes**

_My mind was reeling…_** Confessions of a Post-teenage Hermit**__

That night, I slept wild dreams, over and over. I dreamt about how everything could have been. I dreamt of Ben.

I dreamt history hadn't repeated. History was different. Ben and I hadn't broken up after school ended. Instead, we roamed the beaches of Cabo on that Mexican holiday we'd always intended to take. Children were running around beside us flying kites and paper planes overhead in the breeze. As I lay on the beach in the sun, a little child spoke to me, "Open your eyes," he said. Then Ben peered over me as both man and child splashed me with water and Ben dragged me into the ocean, uncaring, happy and free.

The baby screeched me awake. Melissa seemed to be able to lie in, ignore it.

I trundled upstairs.

"The nanny should arrive at nine," she said blurrily, "Then we're going home. I made it up with Fred. The truth is, we love each other and we're going to work it out."

"Well I'm very happy for you, Melissa," I said.

"Oh, by the way," Melissa couldn't resist telling me this. "I have it on good authority that a Wentworth stayed through the next night with our cousin Lia. He slept on the couch."

"Excuse me?"

For a moment, I thought she meant Ben. I felt lost.

"Oh, don't look so worried. It was the other Wentworth, Harley. Apparently they're into each other."

"What's that supposed to mean?"  
"Well, only that it appears our younger cousins know how to get a man…"

"Are you serious? You think Lia jumped off the pier to get Harley's attention?"

"I wouldn't put it past her. Anyway, he's a partner in Ben's company so she's got a good catch there."

Liz shouted out in agreement.

"Yes, Jane, Lia knows quality when she sees it."

That was it for me. Finally, I found my voice, the one that had been welling up inside me for a while, and I used it.

"You know what Liz? Tom just might be the man for you and you've pushed him away. Don't make the same mistake I did since I'm such a walking warning to you both. And as for you Missy, while you're fixing your semi-perfect relationship, maybe you should be enrolling in parenting classes at the same time."

"Oh, that's rich Jane. Maybe when you, if you, ever have children and a husband you'll understand just how much juggling is involved."

"Maybe you're right, but that doesn't give you or Liz the right to treat me like a non-person."

Liz was standing at the door looking quite shocked.

"Where do you both get these ideas from about me having no idea what it means to have pressures? All women have pressures, married or not and all women have barriers; we should be working together as a family. In case you both haven't noticed there is a huge financial crisis going on in this house; and not just in this house!"

My sisters just stood and stared.

"No need to shout, Jane," Missy said.

"Yes, Jane," Liz added, "I think we take your point."

People, including your own family, can only make you feel less than, if you let them.

Melissa was open mouthed after my little tirade. I left the house for work in a hurry.

Liz must have thought about what I said; when I arrived at the café a conciliatory text was waiting for me on my cell.

**As a sister, Jane, we love you. Apology given from two in awe of you and yours is duly accepted.**

Apology? What apology.

Please, I hadn't even sent one.

As I polished the countertop, I realized I probably would have, eventually. I hated fighting with my sisters but enough was enough.

Liz could learn something from me? I wonder what she meant by that? Had Melissa also learnt how to "prioritize and put herself first" from all the advice on _How to Live the Perfect Life _blogs she read? Probably. I liked surfing the net as much as the next person but external encouragement was no excuse for _always _putting herself first. Then I realized Melissa was used to me taking care of everything. Perhaps it was time for Missy to sort out her own life. And Liz was my older sister. Perhaps she didn't need dating advice. Perhaps she'd learnt from my mistake to take the man that made the effort, that loved her, the one that was her match; even to _be exclusive_, now that Tom was prepared to show his hand.

Keira was right when she said it was time for me to stand up for myself. My sisters would be forced to take a bit more responsibility, to end our co-dependency. So would I. Especially if I transferred my college courses to another state.

Of course, I'd miss my young nephews (especially when they weren't shrieking), but I'd see them often. It was time to move on, even if I was sure to be on my own and I had barely any money and I'd be more than a little lost at first. It was time to make some new friends, perhaps even make my father and sisters miss me (at least for a semester). I could probably even arrange a loan from Eleanor.

**Chapter Twenty-eight**

**New Days**

_The sweetness of fresh pancakes with wild berry sauce filled the air…_ **Confessions of a Post-teenage Hermit**

The following morning I gave notice at the café. My aunt and uncle knew I'd be finishing up in September, when first semester started. I'd decided to try selling my clothes online and I was excited to tell Keira about my plans. I hadn't seen or heard from Ben for days. I was beginning to wonder if the "Wentworth brother going with the Elliot girl,_"_ (something I'd heard the mother's group discussing) was actually Ben and Liz. I hadn't heard from the mysterious Ben since the night we spent by Lia's bedside.

Although I _had_ heard he'd been up at the beach looking at real estate higher on the bend – "no doubt to impress Serena Collins," I'd heard Dana suggesting to another former _Social_ over coffee that morning. Well, they were welcome to each other because it didn't matter how much I loved Ben, if he didn't love me, there was really nothing more I could do. My Godmother (a wise woman) once told me, _"you can't make someone love you." _

My last morning at the cafe, Tom Winchester arrived unexpectedly. He looked worried. I realized he was nervous about something.

"The usual Jane," he said.

I bought him a coffee.

"What's news?"

"Your sister is playing hard to get, she's been running hot and cold for months now, and so I've decided it's time."

"For what?"

"For her to marry me."

Oh, great, just what I needed. Tom Winchester as a brother-in-law, but in truth, over our morning chats; I'd developed a fondness for him. He was at least genuine where Liz was concerned. Not "just a gold digger" as Liz had once said, I was sure of it. Besides, it was all over the papers that our family were now officially broke, so if he was digging for gold, he was digging in the wrong place.

Even so.

"Are you serious?" I asked.

"Yes."

"Then you better let me see the ring, because Liz has a bad value system and she won't want it unless it's big."

He produced a diamond sparkler. Huge. I was beyond envy (truly) and I just smiled.

"Good luck," I said, "you'll need it, but that's a start. It's beautiful Tom. I think Liz is going to love it. You should go for it."

After all, I loved each of my sisters no matter what. I'd never stand in the way of their happiness. Now it was up to me to find some of my own.

Tom leaned in close and gave me the ring to hold. For a moment our foreheads touched, it almost looked like we were about to share a kiss (obviously no way, not ever), then he gave me a brotherly peck on the cheek.

"Thanks Jane," he said and rushed out.

This moment happened just as Ben walked into the The Beach Shack and stood in the morning light. He must have seen us together again. He looked surprised. No more than me.

**Chapter Twenty-nine **

_**Finally, Madly, Truly**_

_In the end there's only so much advice I could give to girls like me: the ones who can't or won't give up on their true loves; first loves; best loves. If it's meant to be, you'll find him again. And if it's not, (I think), if you make the opportunity, you'll find someone else… __**Truly (a blog by Jane Elliot)**_

"Wow, I said, that was weird."

"For a moment I thought you and Tom…"

"Were together? No, he's obsessed with Liz."

"Oh," Ben said with a smile.

"I just got a report on Lia from Harley. They're sending her home today."

"I know. I already checked but thanks for telling me."

I didn't stop cleaning the benches. What was the point?

I hadn't made a new blog entry in days. My notes for my most recent entry lay very much unfinished on the laptop in my satchel. I was trying to work on this entry because I felt it would be one of the most important I would write.

_I've moved on_, I'd tell my readers.

_I've embraced change and put the past behind me. _I'd advise them to do the same. Out with the old, bring in the new.

Arghh! I just got a text from Liz. She bumped into Tom on the boardwalk. My older sister was coming to me for advice.

**He asked me to marry him** Liz texted. **What should I do?**

**Say YES** I texted back.

**Okay,** she texted. **That's what I was going to do. It's just that I value your good opinion.**

**It's yours,** I texted. **He's changed a lot since high school!**

We all had.

I shook my head. Ben was still seated in the café.

"Oh," I said, "I thought you'd left."

"No," he replied. "At the risk of stating the obvious, I'm still here."

I'd accepted that Ben was leaving, that he was with Serena, that he even loved her. He said to Keira, _"There's already a woman I love, that I want to marry,"_ when Keira was joking around with him that night at The Mermaid Hut. Those were his exact words, I just didn't want to write them down until I knew all hope was gone, didn't want to admit them even to myself. I'd never let a social climber like Serena Collins get the best of me. I'd move on.

Besides, Melissa, ever the family gossip, told me that Ben, in a moment of weakness confided to Keira that he was _planning to ask the woman he loved to marry him. He'd added, "I'm not sure she'd move to Texas with me while I complete my flight training."_ Then he asked Keira what she thought and she replied, _"Maybe you should ask the woman in question." _

I remember Missy had thought it was in poor taste that he'd bothered discussing Serena with Keira while he waited for me in the lounge room, (no doubt fielding texts from Serena), but I said, "everyone multi-tasks these days." As if I cared.

"What can you expect," my father grumbled, "from _those_ types of people."

My sister Melissa agreed, but then a changed expression came across Liz's face, almost as if she'd worked out something that the rest of us hadn't.

"A lot daddy, he's well educated and hot. Someone also taught him manners."

Whatever, I thought. I had to move on. I had moved on.

Like I said, over these few days, Ben had seemed to disappear.

We'd parted amicably enough this time.

I was resigned.

I'd wandered over to _Kellynch_, determined to speak to his sister before I left to let her know there were no hard feelings and that maybe we could even be friends now that Ben and I were over it all, but the place was locked up.

I'd never go back to _Kellynch_. When the lease was up, I knew my father and Liz aimed to sell the place. A few million would settle our debts and allow the family to rebuild. The next generation would never visit _Kellynch_ but maybe they'd have something better – self-determination and the desire to build their own house of dreams.

That afternoon, the afternoon Ben arrived in the café unexpectedly, it rained.

I was reading over my design school prospectus as it poured down. They had campuses in New York, San Francisco and Texas. Well, there was no way I'd be going to Texas. No way, not ever.

I shut out the rain and wiped the tables as Ben stood framed in the doorway. He was so tall and strong looking; he seemed to fill up the empty space, like one of those annoyingly hot 1980s Brat Pack actors.

This was good. The café was deserted and I was happy, now that we were just friends, for his company.

I wanted to tell him my plans. I was excited to be moving to... I looked at the brochure… New York, yes, that would be as good a place as any. Besides, I could even stay with the other half of my family until I got on my feet. It could all be arranged.

There he stood, hair wet and dripping on the mat, not a person in the entire café – no place emptier than a beach town on a rainy day.

"I… I think I need a hot drink," he said.

I smiled.

"What can I get you?

"Mmm… a hot chocolate, please."

"That's unusual," I said. "Most men don't go for that drink…it's too sweet."

"I'm not most men."

I looked up and smiled.

"I know," I said as I heated the milk.

"Are you sure that's safe today?"

He went to find his wallet.

"It's on the house," I said, smiling again. "What brings you out here in this miserable weather?"

"You."

I ignored the inference. There was no way he was going to wind me up over Serena Collins today. I pretended I hadn't heard him, of course. I just nodded and changed the subject.

"I heard about Harley and Lia," I said. "Via Hailee, of course. She described him as if he was you. For a second I thought maybe you and Lia were together, but then I know you have a girlfriend so I didn't really think that was possible." I paused then added, "Send Harley my congratulations. I'm… not surprised. Lia is, unforgettable. I wouldn't blame either of you for liking my cousins."

Ben nodded as he sat at a round table, near where I walked out from behind the counter. Then he looked alarmed.

"What do you mean?"

"Only that Harley told me once that he doubted he'd ever love anyone else but," I hesitated, "Jenny."

Ben nodded, sipped his chocolate. "Well, my brother is pretty good at… not giving up. At least he's trying to… move on. Finally."

I didn't think he was going to offer any further input. The strong silences took a bit of getting used to. I'd convinced myself the Air Force had changed him, made a man out of him as they say, and of course it had. He had more to tell me after the waves crashed outside in the storm, interrupting our silence.

"I think that, well, the truth is… Lia is very young and…fun. But, Jenny was, I think, his perfect match. So even though they were also teenagers, they were together a year and I think that relationship would have stood the test of time.

Though I am happy that they have found each other, it remains to be seen if he and Lia are going to last as a couple. I don't really think he's recovered from his first relationship… a man does not get over that kind of love, with that kind of person. Lia is very young, just eighteen, and it remains to be seen if she is right for him and vice versa. Besides, they've only known each other a few weeks."

"I think; true love stands the test of both time and… separation, if it is lucky."

I looked away.

By then he was standing close to me; so close in fact that he reached out to touch my cheek.

He leant towards me and kissed me softly. I hardly believed I'd ever touch his lips with my own again. He smiled softly as we pulled apart.

"You're not?"

"What?"

"Involved with Tom Winchester are you?"

"Are you kidding? My sister has been dating him for a few months. I sort of played matchmaker. I'm glad you're jealous though."

Ben smiled.

"I think he'll get a shock when he realizes my family need to sell the beach house. I think he likes it more than he likes Liz. He might not be so 'in love' with her when he finds out our family are now flat broke."

"Nah, they're made for each other."

He took my hand and looked into my eyes.

"Follow me."

I chattered aimlessly as we walked for a bit along the edge of the beach road like old times.

"Tom has actually got his eye on the Beach House because it's become more valuable with the years and he thinks my sister owns it, but really, she thinks his family (his father is a film producer, remember) might just want to buy it and she wants to sell it to him. So the perfect match is at cross purposes. I think their love will withstand such pressures and they might find a happy medium…"

"Definitely," Ben said.

We'd locked up the empty café, and, without really thinking about it, jumped into his convertible. I continued to talk on. It was as if the years of silences were being filled up in ten minutes. I talked over the breeze and the sound of the ocean waves as we drove along the winding road that led to _Kellynch. _

"He thinks she owns it outright, he's going to get quite a shock. We don't own much of anything anymore, even though this real estate has become more valuable over the years…"

Ben stopped the car, once we'd reached about a mile further up the road, a good distance past _Kellynch. _

"Like you," he said suddenly.

"Are you serious? My entire family are flat broke. They just won't admit it yet. For once, they have nothing to be snobbish about, that's for sure."

Ben gave me a slight smile.

"That's okay. I never wanted you for your money, anyway."

"That's good," I smiled, "because I don't have any."

"I'm worth kind of a lot myself."

"I know. You were always worth kind of a lot, _more_ than a lot."

"I… think you have become more yourself over the years we've been apart. Your value could not increase in my eyes because you are… invaluable. But I'm wondering if being around me in Texas while I go through flight training would drive you nuts. Being an officer's wife is never easy…"

"Well, I'd be very busy with my college classes." I waved the brochure near his face. "Oh look, conveniently, they have a campus in Texas. But it's probably not a good idea. Like I said, you can't be serious. All these weeks you've been here, you barely seemed to notice me, much less speak to me unless you had to." I determined to play it cool, but not too cool, this time.

"I was wrong. I wanted to make you jealous. My heart was almost… broken."

"So was mine."

We walked down from the road and sat on the edge of the sand as the waves played along the shore.

"But you rejected me, Jane. It took a lot of getting over. My final year of school was really tough. A shadow fell over everyone after Jenny; I know it can't have been easy for you either."

I looked away.

He continued, "I thought for years that I would get over you, but I never have. My love for you has only increased in strength. There is, nor could there ever be, another love like ours. But you should put me out of my misery now if you haven't changed your mind since before," he added these words quickly, as if it had taken him more than the courage it took to fly a plane, to say them.

I interrupted him, "My mind is completely changed."

"Then would you consider being an officer's wife?"

"I would."

He smiled, "Then," he leaned on one knee as he spoke, in the middle of the empty beach, "then I'm asking you again, Jane Elliot, will you marry me?"

"Yes," I replied, without hesitation.

"Are you… are you sure this time?" he asked with a smile after we'd kissed again.

"I am completely, truly, sure. I have never loved any man the way I love you."

"And I have never loved any woman, the way I love you…"

"And nothing…" I said

"And nothing?" he asked…

"And no one…"

"No one?"

Ben smiled disarmingly.

"No one," I continued, "will _ever _persuade me to think differently."

The water splashed the sand on the shore, "then look behind you," he said.

"I see a cliff, some land…"

"I want to build a house for you… for us. We'd have to stay in Texas for a few years but we could always visit, during vacations."

"Here are the plans."

He pulled out some paper from the pocket of his jeans.

The house, new but made in a familiar design, was to be built overlooking the Pacific Ocean. It was a few lots away from the one I grew up summering in, it would be built on higher land using sturdier foundations. I looked up and imagined it in the sun, even better situated than _Kellynch,_ if that was possible. If it _was_ possible, you could see all the way to Hawaii. This would be a house to love and raise a family in, to feel safe in, a place to call our own.

"So this is the surprise," I said.

"For you."

"For us."

"Yes, us."

I looked at him and smiled. Our fingers linked together as we kissed. This love felt everlasting, worth waiting for. True and tangible, I'd never be persuaded against what I felt again.

Summer Day is the author of **Pride & Princesses, Wuthering Nights **and** Anne Eyre**; modern YA novels inspired by the classics.

**Follow**** Summer Day on:**  
Twitter: /summerdaylight summerdaylight  
Blog:  
Email: summerdaylight99

175


End file.
